Good morning Junk Food Nation!  Sorry for the delay this morning; my computer was acting up.  I feel like it’s time to revisit things on the Metro (DC’s subway) that tilt me. Look, I’m admitting that what I’m about to write is (1) rude to say, and (2) I am certainly no fashionista nor a manners marm.  Plus I’ll say (3) my own habits are certainly worth public ridicule and criticism.  But seriously, America?  This shit is not acceptable on public transportation:

(A) Grown men wearing cargo pants.  Are you a carpenter, or going rock climbing?  Then why are you wearing pants that have more pockets than a Christmas Advent calendar, and you’re clearly past the age of 40. Unless your cargo pants are part of your uniform, like if you’re a US Marshall or a cellphone tower technician, you should not be wearing pants that have a drawstring and belong in the ninth grade.  And stop smirking at the hotties in sundresses, creepy – they’re just trying to make it through this stinky Metro ride, same as you.

(B) V-neck undershirts just out in the open.  And I’m not talking about dudes who are going for the undershirt and jeans/shorts look, or whatever weird trend is going around.  I’m talking suit pants, shoes, belt….undershirt?  Holding the jacket and shirt in your arms?  Look, I know its hot out but your man nipples are on display, and I wanna puke.  Yeah, white becomes see-thru when wet, sir!  Please turn away from me.

(C) Clipping nails on subway.  Are you seriously doing that.  Are you SERIOUSLY DOING THAT.  ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THAT?!  This ain’t a hotel, no one vacuums these floors overnight, ma’am.  I know that bunion is irritated, but you’re putting everyone on tilt right now.  Mega-tilt.

That’s all for now.  If you have things that tilt you on the subway, please leave a comment!  Today’s junk food delight: Pepperidge Farm Milano Melts Chocolate Dark Classic Creme. MMmmmmmmm.

The Money Shot

Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies have been a long time favorite of mine, especially their Mint Milano variety.  Normally a thin layer of chocolate between two biscuit cookies, Milano Melts have taken a whole new spin on the classic.  Still packaged in the trademark white paper bag, Pepperidge Farm has decided to up the chocolate-y oomph of Milanos with their Milano Melts.

Mmmm crispy

Milano Melts are a chocolate cookie in the shape of the old Milano cookie, and according to the photo have removed the thin layer of chocolate and replaced it with a fudge filling inside.  In this case, Dark Chocolate fudge.  I have to admit I was skeptical – Milano cookies are pretty perfect; why would you eff with them?

Also, I was confused by the order of the words in the flavor description.  “Chocolate Dark Classic Creme.”  What?  Shouldn’t it be “Classic Dark Chocolate Creme,” or is that just me?

Mmmmm velvety

This rich chocolate creme better be good – I guess the implication is that it melts in your mouth.  My honest concern right now, having not tasted them yet, is that the cookie part of it is going to suck. Milanos always had a nice snap to them.  What will these be like?

Four fingers

The problem with Pepperidge Farm cookies is the little paper trays they use to stack their cookies up inside the bag.  Why?  Because it tricks you into serving size.  The actual serving size of these cookies is two cookies.  TWO.  Yeah…I don’t know anyone who lifts out one of these paper tray, eats two cookies, and puts them back.  You’ve got to be out of your mind.

Chocolate Milano

At first glance, the cookie does not look like a Milano cookie at all, save for that signature little lump at the top of one end of the cookie.  But I was willing to give it a shot, and took a bite…

Bite marks

Fudgey Ooze

Hmmmm.  My honest assessment – as I suspected, the cookie part of the Milano Melt was not great.  Dry, not crispy, and having some dull cocoa flavor.  The chocolate fudge inside was delicious, smooth, and rich.  Looks good in the photo, doesn’t it?

However, the combo – I wasn’t in love with it.  Yes, its a chocolate-y cookie.  But it didn’t remind me of a Milano at all, save for the shape, and the cookie part was low rent.  That the inside was of good quality didn’t save it – it’s like spreading caviar on a stale Saltine.   One half can’t save the whole.

Tasty?  Sure.  Successful junk food?  Eh…no.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy