Junk Food Nation, let me be straight when it comes to fortune cookies – they ruin the end of any Chinese food meal. As an actual cookie, they’re meh – tastes like a waffle cone with no ice cream. Like a carnival with no rides. Just bland/boring/why am I wasting the calories. But that’s besides the point.

Everyone gets fortune cookies at the end of a Chinese food meal. I think someone along the way figured that this was a neat exotic way to end a meal, and that it’d be a great conversation starter.  The problem is its always the same awkward conversations over and over again.  If you’re with a group of friends, it always always ALWAYS goes down the same way:

1) If you’re trying to avoid eating a fortune cookie, you have that one friend who stares at you confused, insisting “But, you have to read your fortune. You have to read your fortune. You have to read your fortune.” Really? I have to? How ’bout NO, sister. I don’t HAVE to do anything.  No means NO, do NOT crack open the cookie FOR me. No, I don’t want it – STOP WAVING IT IN MY FACE!

More after the jump.  Today’s junk food is another weird Asian snack I received from my buddy Nevin: Kikiriki Drumstix Original Fried Chicken Flavored Snacks! (Thanks Nevin!)

Wow. Where to even begin with this one? So I grew up eating Asian snacks, all kinds of weird shit – shrimp chips, calamari jerky, wasabi peas, but never ever ever had I ever seen anything like this.  Chicken drumstick snacks? Or rather, snacks that taste like Fried Chicken??  Kikiriki, you cray cray.

Nongshim is apparently a Korean snack food company that is primarily known for instant noodle bowls and junk foods.  Their website is full of music and cool animations.  And the mascot for this junk food is apparently a mean, scary, mime chicken with a bad eye. Why is he wearing blush? Is it to make him more frightening?  Because it’s working, Nongshim. It’s working.

Each little snack is shaped like a little breaded drumstick – brilliant. I have to be honest, however, I have no idea what these will taste or feel like. For all I know these could be gummy candies breaded with fish flake. Yuck. I want these to taste like my classic Chicken in a Biskit crackers, but I’m skeptical.

Ok, I’ll just flip the box over and *WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?

Holy eff, THAAAAAT’s random! A weird little hunter guy with an evil mustache carrying a rifle that I bet shot that chicken’s eye out!  Nongshim you hid this frightening character below the fold, you bastards. BELOW THE FOLD!

On the back of the box is presumably another cover of the box, written in…Korean? I’m just guessing. Could be Parseltongue for all I know.

Kikiriki Drumstix Original Fried Chicken Flavored Snacks are now my favorite snack, because one serving size is the whole damn box!  Now THAT’s more like it! Learn from this, US companies (yes I’m looking at you Pop-Tarts. I’m still wondering who you think I’m going to share the other Pop-Tart with.)

Open sesame! And it’s…another package. Um, ok. Do I have to wish this thing open or something?

I’m almost afraid to open this bag. I half expect there to be a little note inside telling me I’ve been Punk’d. “You moron, there’s no such thing as fried chicken snacks!” Gulp. Well, maybe I’ll just peel the end open a little…

Huh. Wow, these looked exactly like the box cover showed! Little tiny puffed chicken drumsticks, with the consistency and feel of a shell cracker. What I mean by this is empty air on the inside, crispy shell cracker shape on the outside. Best example of this were the old Doritos 3Ds.

The amazing thing about these chips were the efforts Nongshim put in to make these snacks actually look like little drumsticks. Not just the shape, but also making sure the surface of the junk food had a powdered breadcrumb look. As if they had been dipped in batter and then thrown into flour, then deep fried. Brilliant.

I chomped down, and immediately began smiling. I know you won’t believe me, but these tasted JUST LIKE FRIED CHICKEN SKIN! Texture – VERY crunchy, accurately reflecting the crispness of fresh fried chicken skin. The taste – an AMAZING chicken flavor, much more than the bouillon flavor that the Chicken in a Biskit crackers had. There’s almost a sweet savoriness to the flavor, mimicking the buttermilk-y sweetness that comes with actual fried chicken. Just spot on.

I really have to say, for a snack that purports to be fried chicken snacks, Nongshim nailed it with this one. Aesthetically pleasing, from shape to texture. Crunched and tasted like fried chicken skin. AND serving size the entire box??? This is a snack after my own heart.

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More about fortune cookies…

2) After giving in and cracking open that damn folded cracker, you pull out the slip of paper. The following joke is always made: “Hey I guess I should play these lottery numbers, hyuk hyuk hyuk.” Yeah, chuckle it up over there, idiot.

3) Yet another friend will insist that everyone read theirs aloud. Maybe if you’re lucky, that same friend will try to psychoanalyze why that fortune applies to you. “Oh….’The joyfulness of man prolongeth his days’ … that means you need to be nicer, Mark, or else you’ll effing die soon because you’re kind of a dick.” Thanks, prophet.

4) Everyone insists on swapping slips of useless paper. Look, if I barely care about my own fortune, then I REALLY don’t care about yours.

5) Another inevitable annoying moment: “Hey, has anyone else heard that you’re supposed to add the words ‘in bed/sex/(something equally stupid) to the end of the fortune? Let’s try it.” No, let’s not because we’re not 15 years old anymore.  Also, hasn’t EVERYONE heard this already? Are we really bringing this up like it’s new???

“You will be showered with good luck…in sex! HAHAHA, well that’s funny, Beth, because everyone knows you like golden show*”

“More tea, anyone?”

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy