Junk Food Nation, let’s talk about elevators. In my office building, I work on the 10th floor – so inevitably I ride the elevator up and down three to four times a day. It’s boring, it slows down my day, and when the elevators act up, it’s scary. (BTW, don’t even start suggesting I take the stairs. “It’s a great workout!” Yeah? So is kickboxing. Another thing I won’t be doing.)

Anytime you’re in any confined space with strangers, awkwardness abounds.

1) I’ll just say it: Odors. Forget the absolute mortification that occurs when someone decides to treat an elevator like his own port-a-potty, but include body odor, food odors, and bad breath. Ever been in an elevator where someone with bad breath insists on talking to you?  There’s no where to run. No. Where. To. Run.  You feel like you’ve been cornered by a Dementor.

Body odor is always awkward because there is that small moment when you get a whiff where you’re like, “Wait, is that me? Is that him, is that me, is that him?” And then you start taking longer slower drags of the air to see if your amazing nose can pinpoint the source of the stench, leading you to wince in pain. “Nope, it’s him. Foul.”

More after the jump.  Today’s junk food – Kettle Brand Tias! Nacho Cheddar flavor!

Obviously, Tias! is obviously a play on of the end of the word “tortilla.” (Of course, I say “obviously” not knowing if half my audience knows what the hell I’m talking about). I was curious about these chips since I know Kettle Brand chips for their wonderful curled up and super fried potato chips that crunch like none other. Kettle potato chips come in like a million flavors.

Given Kettle Brand’s expertise in the potato chip arena, the move into tortilla chips seems bold…and strange to me.  Would these be super crunchy too?

What IS Nacho Cheddar, people? Since nacho cheese is essentially processed cheese, is Nacho Cheddar supposed to be a little bit tastier, sharper, than other processed cheeses? Are these chips going to taste like actual greasy bar-style Nachos, i.e. tortilla chips covered in melted cheese, chooped tomatos, slices of jalapeno, etc.?

Here, I have to give Kettle Brand credit. The word “naturally” can mean “of course” or it can mean “with the virtue of being natural.” #imagrammardork

I had no idea Kettle Brand was so environmentally conscious.  And while I care about green energy and all that – I care more about whether this chip is tasty. Save the propaganda until I’ve had a chip, please. Wind power, seriously? Less solar talk, more flavor talk. I can’t taste biodiesel.

This list is supposed to make the consumer feel better, but as I read the list, I tick off, “less flavor…less flavor… less flavor.” Plus, advertising the percentage of organic ingredients feels weird to me. Is this good, and if so, why are you pushing such a random percentage at me? I’m not gonna check.

The chips immediately exhibited very little powder, which raised a huge red flag for me. Crispy looking, yes, but I’d come to expect bold flavors from Kettle Brand.

Yeah, I get it – they look like Doritos. At worst, they look like they are trying to be Doritos.

One crunch, and I knew these were NOT Doritos. They tasted organic, fresh, light – but boring. Yes, the whole corn flavor really came out, and it was punctuated by a small cheese flavor, but that’s it – the flavor all around was SMALL.  No spice, so real savoriness, just a light cheese dusting. Plus, these chips were NOT super crunchy, but rather light and crispy, not unlike a baked Dorito.

These Tias! certainly didn’t make me feel !!!!! at all.  I say stick with potato chips, Kettle Brand.

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2) Loud talkers. The elevator is full of 7-8 people, and your friend insists on being the only person to pierce the awkward veil of science. “Dude, so tell me more about your weekend.  Dude.  Dude?” SHUT UP MORON. We have three more floors to go, for Christ’s sake, can’t it wait???

Even better are the people who think vocalizing the quiet helps break the ice. “It’s so quiet in here, c’mon loosen up people, what is this a morgue?” It will be when I wring your neck, idiot. What, do you think people need a royal decree to feel comfortable talking in an elevator? No, they just wanna get to their floor and continue with their miserable days like anyone else.

3) People who don’t understand door etiquette. The math is simple – if you get to a floor, and its not yours, and people behind you want to get off, GET OFF THE ELEVATOR and then re-enter. No, you leaning to one side is not sufficient for me to get off, and I’m not going to leapfrog your leg to exit, jerk.

4) People who want to remind you of door etiquette like you don’t know.  It’s happened to me a billion times – you’re approaching a floor, with the intent on getting off, and someone ass has to remind you, “Getting off here.” And then if you’re really lucky, they’ll say it again, as the doors are about to open. “Getting off here.” Oh, I’m sorry, sir. Let me levitate in anticipation of your exit. I CAN’T GO ANYWHERE DUDE, SO STOP SHOVING ME. Where would you like me to go? Where? Where?

5) People who want to squeeze on at the last moment. Someone sees there’s like 12 people on the elevator and thinks, “Yeah I can fit.” They might even say, “YEAH I CAN FIT,” and then they step right on, and crush people into each other. Hey, that’s just what I wanted, my hand on your crotch, and my face in this other guys chest.

How about you can’t fit. You can’t.

6) My personal nightmare: Those who don’t understand elevator spacial etiquette. Picture this: You’re on the elevator with five people.  It’s tight. The elevator stops at a floor, and the right-most two get off. IT IS NOW EVERYONE’S JOB TO SPREAD THE EFF OUT. Now, I’m not a claustrophobic person, but I adhere to the spreading out rules because who knows? Someone else MIGHT be.

But nooooo – there’s always someone who’s like, “Hey let’s ride up the elevator standing on the same side together one foot apart!  That doesn’t look creepy at all!”

Look, I give people their space, it’s only polite. If there’s three people on the elevator, I’m the middle person, and someone else gets off, I move to the opposite side to give the other occupant maximum space.

7) Oppositely, it’s also awkward when you’re the only person on the elevator, someone gets on, and then they move to stand on the same side you’re on! Um, are you trying to date me or something? We don’t know each other – and you smell like B.O. Or wait, is that me?

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy