Junk Food Nation, if there’s one thing I love, it’s Fantasy Football.  And I’m not the only one – invented in 1962, its estimated that over 19 million people play the fake-GM game every year.  It’s a goliath of an industry, and I happily partake every single year.  If not for fantasy football, I’d have no idea who the backup running back for the Cleveland Browns is.  Thanks to fantasy football, I know its Monterio Hardesty. Do you see? I’m clearly a nerd.

But the question is how much is too much fantasy football? I hear people say they play in five to ten leagues sometimes – auction leagues, snake leagues, PPR leagues, 2 QB leagues, individual defensive position leagues. But is there a tipping point where the amount of time spent on fantasy football starts to ruin your life?  Some would say if you play fantasy football, your life already isn’t that great.  And to those people, I say, shut up.

In my experience, one fantasy football team is enough.  One fake team of real players is all you should have to fully enjoy the fantasy football experience.  Here’s why, in no particular order:

1) Real life enjoyment.  Fantasy football already forces you to root for people you don’t even like. It’s already a conflicting feeling, “Well, I want LeSean McCoy to go off for a couple TDs, but I still want the Giants to win the game.” How bass ackwards is THAT!?  If you start loading up on three=plus teams, you’ll NEVER be able to watch Sunday football!  Your head will spin with the various combos you’re desiring. I once had a friend legit tell me: “Well, I’d like Dwayne Bowe to catch one TD, but only if he does it in under forty yards because I’m playing against him in this other league, but I have Matt Cassel in both leagues, so I guess it doesn’t hurt me too bad, and then I need Felix Jones to score three touchdowns if I have any hope of winning my office league week, except he’s playing my Eagles, so I hope they still score a ton to win.” WHAT!? It’s worse than a sudoku puzzle!

Stick with one team, and you’ll avoid this brain game.  More after the jump – today’s Junk Food is Jamaican Style Jerk Slim Jims!

The Money Shot

Slim Jims are a dried meat snack made by ConAgra Foods.  According to Wiki, over 500 million of these are made annually, and let me say this: that’s a whole lotta salt and dried meat. Yikes.  Still, there’s no question that most people, at one time in their lives, like it or hate it, have had a Slim Jim, in one on many varieties – hot, teriyaki, original… When I saw Jamaican Style Jerk, I almost laughed out loud.  Seriously? Oh, ConAgra, Jamaica me crazy. (Had to. Had to make that joke.)

Hole for hanging

Since Slim Jims are a long long thin stick of meat, the wrapper provides very little real estate for design – still they try.  Note above the punch hole which allowed the Slim Jim to be hung from a rack. I’d like all my snacks to be hung from a rack, please.

Jamaican Style Jerk = Teal?

How festive!  Jerk spice is a cooking spice native to Jamaica that is very very spicy and dark in color. Usually dry rubbed on meat, jerk spice is mainly all-spice plus Scotch bonnets.  Spicy central.

YIKES

Mechanically separated chicken?  You don’t say! I was looking to introduce more of that into my system – not enough hours on the toilet for me, and I needed a way to stay there.  Thank you, Slim Jim! Your smoked snack stick is a lifesaver.

Opening up the prize...ick

The initial unsheathing of the Slim Jim revealed the familiar look…

I could build a cabin outta these...

…a really dry-looking log of meat product.  If it looks tough and shiny, that’s because it is. And really? As it should be, since Slim Jims are meant to endure time, space, the elements, changing presidential terms, and martian attacks.  Time to snap into a Slim Jim, oooo yea!

Yep...that's appetizing

MMMM MMMM look at that mechanically separated chicken and beef! And why is it orange?

Anyways, the Jamaican Style Jerk Slim Jim failed to live up to its name – the meat stick wasn’t spicy at all, and it wasn’t even a matter of my iron tongue not detecting it. It just tasted like a normal Slim Jim. There was no all-spice taste, nor any tingle of a Scotch bonnet.  I really felt there was no difference between this Slim Jim and the many others I’d had in the past.  Boooo.

—

More reasons for maintaining only one fantasy football team:

2) Dumb ass team names.  Yes, we know you spent all off-season thinking up team names. No, “Favre-dollar Footlong” and “What Would Ndamukong Suh?” are not the funniest things I’ve ever heard. Oh lord, how many teams do you have? And you’re unable to do your job because you haven’t found a good pun for Danny Woodhead?? Shoot me. Or better yet, shoot you.

Stick with one team, pick the best name, and go back to your real life.

3) You’re the jerk watching his laptop all game and not the actual game. HEY DATA – if you’re just going to stare at your laptop or phone as you switch between the seven teams you’re managing to see what your update fantasy score is, just leave, ok? This isn’t the New York Stock Exchange, it’s a football game, and you’re killing the vibe. With one team, you won’t be this guy.

4) Drop Adds are a nightmare and part time job.  When you are monitoring multiple teams, scouring the waiver wire for new names to add to your fake team can be an ordeal on its own.  You’re likely to spend 30-45 mins on one team alone trying to perfect your roster each weekend…with seven teams?  Kiss your afternoon, job, and sense of humanity sayonara.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy