Junk Food Nation, I have a problem.  My problem is I never take vacations.  Sure I am able to get a day off here or there (like today!), but I’m talking about getting away. Away away away. Because for me, vacations have a specific definition:

1) No trips to visit family members or friends.  Note: I don’t mean going ON vacation with family or friends, I meant going TO visit family or friends where they live – like North Carolina or California.  Sure these destinations are very well away from home and may include places you’ve never been, but you’re going to the location to see someone specifically – and it’s awkward to be like, “I just wanna lay on this patch of land all day.” Nope, a family or friend visit requires some obligation – albeit fun obligation – so I can’t call that a vacation.

Corollary to the Note above: I am however including vacays you took under the age of 16, where your parents wanted to go to Yellowstone, but all you wanted to do was listen to Oasis CDs and read Nintendo Power.  Not a vacation.

2) No trips for conferences, work, etc., even if the locations are amazing.  A medical conference in Bermuda is still a medical conference, no matter how wasted you get and people you fondle. A trip to Brazil for a deposition is still work, even if you are able to score free weed and great steak.

More on my vacation conundrum after the jump.  Today’s junk food is another foreign special: Orion Choco Pies!

Orion, the makers of the Fresh Pie, is a Korean confection company, according to their website.  It began producing today’s junk food, the Choco Pie, in August of 1974.

When I saw this box in the store, I was pulled in. THESE CAKES/PIES LOOKED DELECTABLE. I mean, even without explanation, you can see its a chocolate covered marshmallow cake, not unlike Moon Pies here in the States.  And I like Moon Pies!  So these should be good, right?  Right?  Hello?

I still don’t get this.  IT’S NOW!  What is?  WHAT IS NOW, ORION??? I was trying to think back to my foreign language classes to imagine if something was just translated wrong, and maybe this was intended to be something else in meaning, like, IT’S HERE! ….but that doesn’t much more sense either.

Orion advertises what the cakes will look like pretty clearly – like a Moon Pie, it’s two layers of cake with something white in between, covered in chocolate.  Sounds like a winner to me.

Orion also shows what the little packages inside will look like…which is unnecessary, but I appreciate the desire to fully disclose.  “Enjoy the finest taste of original chocolate pie.” I have no idea what that means. Did the 1974 Choco Pie taste like one thing, and then they changed the formula on everyone, like New Coke? Is this current Choco Pie incarnation like Coca Cola Classic?

Yes, I bought a two pack again – DON’T ASK ME WHY? I have no idea why.  Why am I writing a junk food blog? Because clearly I have a problem 😉

Piezas = packs.  I’m just guessing.

More spanish?  This is a Korean company, isn’t it?  Weird.

“Avoid direct sunshine, keep in cool and dry place, eat soon after opening.”

“Never expose it to bright lights; never get it wet; and never feed it after midnight”

Which are instructions for Choco Pie, and which are instruction for Mogwai?  You be the judge.

Again more ingredients…listed in Spanish.  Not Korean…right.

Each individually wrapped Choco Pie looked exactly as it did on the cover.  Time to unwrap!

The Choco Pie looked surprisingly good!  After the disaster that was the Fresh Pie, this little mouthful looked pretty appealing.  The chocolate coating had a nice sheen to it, and the weight of the junk food was light and airy.

Ok….first reactions: this snack was dry.  So dry. Need-a-glass-of-milk dry.  I almost choked as I chewed.

Once my saliva started producing again and the flavors started emerging – I must say it wasn’t bad.  The cake inside was pretty bland, but the combo of mild outside chocolate with sweet marshmallow was pleasing enough.  It was almost as good as a Moon Pie, but not quite.

The cake was mega crumbly, but the chocolate coating held my bite mark pretty well.  I still felt like something was missing though, that the marshmallow flavor really didn’t come through.  Did it need more moisture…maybe melted it would taste different?  Only one thing to do – NUKE IT.

So here is a microwaved Choco Pie, the same one I’d already taken a bite out of.  Microwaving it for 30 seconds did a few things: the marshmallow inside immediately began to puff up like a blowfish, separating and destroying the outside layers.  The cake stretched apart like tectonic plates, and the snack began to come apart at the edges – literally.

Once the microwaving was done, however, everything shrunk back down, leaving us with the result above and below.

Biting it this time (or rather with a fork because it was effing scalding), the flavor HAD changed.  The marshmallow had scorched a bit, so the whole thing began to taste rather S’mores-ish – a great transformation.  The chocolate weirdly did not melt all the way, but just enough to semi-moisten the cake.

Bottom line: regular Choco Pie – below average. Nuked Choco Pie – above average.  Enjoy this junk food from your nearest Asian grocery store. It’s NOW!

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Continuing from above, (3) No trips for school – unless its study abroad, which lessens the blow, a school trip for, say dissertation research, is really a balancing act between how much fun you want to have and how much you don’t want to fail your class… that internal battle takes away from the vacation aspect of it.  At some point during your hike across Europe, you’re going to think, “Ugh…I guess I should poke my head into a museum and take some notes.”

4) No trips shorter than three days.  Why? Because I’ve taken trips for a long weekend, and while I don’t mind them, I’m one of those people who it takes a good day and half to begin with to feel settled and relaxed – almost like I need time to allow my brain the permission to relax.  Yes, I know I’m crazy.  And then by the time I’m settled, it’s time to leave! Well, I’m glad I got a good eight hours of rest in.

5) NO WEDDINGS, even if destination. I’m not talking about the honeymoons, which clearly ARE vacations, but weddings, whether you’re in them or not, are definitely not vacations.  They are never longer than three days, for one, and they if you’re in a wedding, you have a ton of shit to do! Tie these eight hundred bags of candy for the table favors?  Sounds like a relaxing time to me.

6) No jeggings.  Sorry, just felt like saying that.

If I look at my life, and remove all of the above instances, I’ve really only gone on two real vacations in my life… went to Florida for a week with an ex and I drove cross-country and back once.  See here’s the thing: I’ve actually gone on TONS of trips all over the world, but very very very few of them have just been for myself, to get away.

Maybe people don’t see it the way I do – maybe the above situations ARE vacations to some people…but not to me. My goal for the next year – take more vacations!  Besides, I need to explore more junk food arenas, right? …but then it’s a work trip…uh oh…

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy