Junk Food Nation, September 3rd is a big day for me – it’s my sister’s birthday! Well, one of my sisters. Big shout out to my eldest sis on her day of birth – she’s vacationing (see? Someone in my family knows how to do it), so I hope she’s having a good one where she is.

Notable birthdays for today, incidentally, include American Olympic snowboarder Shaun White, American softball player Jennie Finch, actor Charlie Sheen and personal favorite author Malcolm Gladwell!  Who knew?

Today’s junk food is a snack my sister gave to me to review: Pillsbury Sweet Moments Coca Caramel Obsession Brownies!

The Money Shot

Ok, who out there loves brownies?  Everyone, right? Raise your hands if you love soft warm chocolate cakey things… ok, now put down your hands, weirdos. Pillsbury, the baking good company, has been cranking out various products for over 100 years – we’re talking cake mixes, bread dough, pancakes, savory items, etc. When you think baking, you think Pillsbury.  And that damn Pillsbury Doughboy.  Hoo hoo!

When my sister gave me this snack, I knew I’d seen them in the grocery store before… essentially, Pillsbury is REALLY dumbing it down for you brownie lovers out there.  How? Because – they’ve made the brownies for you, duh. And selling them to you in a refrigerated bag for a marked up price. MMMMM profit tastes delicious.

Moist

I must admit, though, that as far as curb appeal junk food, this one caught my eye.  Anyone walking by knows EXACTLY what this is – delicious gooey brownies with caramel oozing out of the center.  Sign me up!  And then as you come closer, you look at the bag more carefully…

I. Love. Bite. Size.

…”bit size brownies?” you think. “Those seem healthy!” (yeah right…) “And cocoa caramel flavor…that sounds so good…this would be a sweet moment…” Indeed…

They damn well better be

…”And they’re ready to enjoy? Meaning, I can just open the package up and pour these brownies into my mouth?” Yes, yes you can, fatty.  And that is exactly what I planned on doing.

Although, to be fair, how long does it take to make brownies…twenty minutes, tops? Maybe 25 if you frost them?  How lazy do you have to be…you know what, I’m not going to finish that question, because *I* am that lazy. People in glass houses…don’t bake their own brownies.

Verbal sex

Pillsbury, stop flirting with me. You think I don’t know what you’re trying to do with all those italics? You think I don’t see you glancing at me with that picture of the brownie? At least buy me dinner, buy me a drink, something.  You can’t come in here with those sweet words and…oh who am I kidding. GET OVER HERE!

Chocablock!

The package had about 12 of these nuggets inside, which at first glance looked like chocolate covered brownie petits fours, drizzled in caramel. WIN. I love petits fours!

Awwwwhhhh

(We interrupt this review to bring another happy birthday shout out! It was hiding in the background all along!)

Clean lines, no fudgey mess - like it

The brownie bites looked good – before the bag was opened, the pieces had been rolling around the inside of the bag, so I wasn’t sure what kind of crushed up mess I’d find inside.  I was so pleased to find that the structural integrity of each bite had been maintained.  Nice work, Pillsbury.  No melted chocolate, no broken pieces, no crushed surface or cracks…A+.

Shiny, slightly fridge sweaty

Up close, these brownie bites were a real art form.  Each decorated like a mini cake, you can tell that the construction and thought process behind this junk food was very thorough.  Whenever chocolate is stored at a cool temperature (these were in my fridge), and then moved into warmer room temperatures, the chocolate sweats a little, as you can see above. This is normal – nothing to be concerned about. In fact, if it DIDN’T sweat, I’d be worried – it would be a sign that this WASN’T chocolate, but some other artificial crap.

ZOMG

One bite, and holy mother of god these were good.  So good. SOO SO SO GOOD NOM NOM ZOMG WTF.  Sorry.  Let me elaborate.  Ahem:

SSOSOOOO GOOD NOM NOM NOM ZOOOOMG ….

Wait, that was just the same ramblings as before.  Let me explain.

With the first bite, your teeth crack through what is a very good quality chocolate. Didn’t taste chalky or plastic-y – it was legit chocolate that melted on your tongue and tasted sweet and rich.  The caramel striping added a little salty sweet bonus to the chocolate’s flavor.

Next, your teeth sink through some unbelievably soft brownie, accented by the layer of caramel within. Distinct brownie taste – very moist and NOT crumbly at all.  Also, not too dense, which can be the problem with brownies sometimes.

When you chew and mix it all together, it’s really quite delightful.  Chocolate rush, fudgey brownie flavor, and super sweet caramel taste.  I’m not usually a huge fan of overly decadent desserts, normally, but these bites were pretty damn amazing.  The amalgam of flavors was well balanced and tasty.

Pillsbury, you’ve done my sister’s birthday proud.  Good on ya.

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Sincerely, Junk Food Guy