Junk Food Nation, am I the only one who has awkward moments when in public or away-team bathrooms? When it comes to bathrooms, I like a home-court advantage; I think everyone does.  But when you’re not in your own bathroom, so so much can go wrong.  I’m not going to go into ramblings about toilet humor, urinal etiquette, courtesy flushes, EVERYTHING IS WET-Dane Cook style – comedians, movies, and your colleagues have done a good enough job of covering ALL those topics.

For me, my awkward moments in away-team bathrooms always just happen when I’m trying to make it through my day normally. Without incident. One major problem comes to mind…

No Paper Towel Dispenser. I understand we are trying to be environment friendly these days, and paper towels are a big paper waster. And I love the Dyson Air Blade, the HandDryo3000, or whatever air cannon will blast the water off my hands.  Love air dried hands. But here’s the thing: I like to freshen up during my day by splashing a little water on my face. Yeah, that’s right. I’m a face splasher. It feels good and I will not apologize for my tone.

But now what happens? I go use the public restroom, finish my biz, wash my hands like a normal human being, and then I go for the old splasheroo and then …no paper towels.  NO PAPER TOWELS. So I’m standing there with water dripping down my face trying to figure out what the hell I am going to do!

1) Before you dig into me about “looking to see if there are paper towels before I splash,” there is NO ONE who does that when they first walk into a public restroom. You walk in, you try to find the most acceptable war zone, and then you go. When you’re done, you immediately head for the sink – you don’t go wandering around looking for paper towels. You’d be a weirdo, spinning around while everyone stares at the person who just came out of a stall and is holding his/her hands out in mid air.

My solution after the jump.  Today’s junk food: Kraft Jet-Puffed Piña Colada Mallow Bites!

Kraft, a food company in over 150 countries, is conglomerate best known for cheese, mac & cheese, dairy, mayo, and marshmallows. Let me tell you – I LOVE MARSHMALLOWS.  I remember being a little kid and stirring in tiny marshmallows into my hot chocolate. I enjoy Mallo Cups and chocolate-covered marshmallows. I like S’mores, Moon Pies, Choco Pies… who doesn’t?

But when I saw these, I was perplexed. I’d seem flavored marshmallows before, and I’d seen coconut covered marshmallows before…but Pina Colada Marshmallows?  I HAD to taste this.

Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallows have been around since I can remember, and JET PUFFED was its brand. Apparently you can make marshmallows at home, which I’m sure are delicious, but I prefer mine to be mass produced and puffed by a jet engine…however that works.

Incidentally, remember the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?  Classic.

The piña colada is a sweet, rum-based cocktail made with rum, cream of coconut, and pineapple juice, usually served either blended or shaken with ice. As you can see from the drawing above, it’s often served in a coconut shell – at least it is in TV shows, movies, and horrible theme restaurants. How are they going to make marshmallows taste like THAT?

The thing I love about this packaging is that they give you the opportunity to see the marshmallows, which are seen covered in toasted coconut, and then they make the clear windows furry with toasted coconut! Cute…

I appreciate when a company wants to give you new ways to enjoy their weird snack, but I think there’s not much you can do with these marshmallows except just plain eat ’em as is.  Topping a cake…ok, but it’s just eating the marshmallows WITH things.  Same with the tropical fruit mix, and tropical fruit salad.  And by the way, marshmallows are not tropical, pina colada or not.

Again, pineapple rolled in coconut is tropical, marshmallows aren’t. I haven’t seen supermodels on a beach, scantily clad…eating marshmallows…and thought WOW that’s a little taste of sunshine!

Ever play the game Chubby Bunnies? Its a game where you stuff marshmallows into your mouth, one more each round, an attempt to say the words “Chubby Bunny.”  Fun, right?  I don’t know why it’s not in the Olympics. Anyways, yeah, Kraft says, don’t do that.

Opening the bag, the marshmallows looked like regular marshmallows rolled in toasted coconut. I like coconut, but I wanna see if these really taste like pina coladas.

As I popped a few into my mouth, I could tell that Kraft had failed immediately. Were they good? Sure…as marshmallows rolled in toasted coconut go.  Did I taste any pineapple? No…and trust me I TRIED. I popped a good seven or eight and really chewed seeing if the marshmallow itself had been infused by some artificial flavoring…but no.  If you had taken these same treats and labeled them “toasted coconut marshmallows,” I’d bet they tasted the exact same and I’d be none the wiser.

I didn’t feel the tropics, I didn’t taste the sunshine, and these marshmallows did not taste like pina coladas.

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Continuing from above…

2) One solution is to just use the air dryer itself, by sticking your face underneath the air nozzle.  That USED to work, until things got complicated and the Air Blade became popular.  And if you think having your face under a hand dryer and having someone walk in on you doing THAT isn’t awkward…

3) Wipe water off face with hands and then dry hands, repeat until face is dry. This is a good thought and I’ve done this before, except your hands are not sponges, and your face never really gets that dry. And besides – THIS TAKES FOREVER.

4) What ACTUALLY ends up happening when my face is soaked and there are no paper towels? Toilet paper. I inevitably end up going BACK into a stall to wad up 30 ft of toilet paper to dab dry my face.  First all, trying to rip toilet paper with wet hands in an ordeal in itself.  Second, you need a ton of it because TP turns into mush upon the SLIGHTEST contact of water.  Finally, I am able to return to the party/dinner/whatever, inevitably with little pieces of toilet paper lint on my chin.  Awesome.

Happy Labor Day everyone!  Follow me on Twitter @junkfoodguy!

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy