Junk Food Nation, it has been raining in DC for a week.  Raining cats and dogs, fine mists, pouring, sprinkling, torrential downpour, and overall nastiness.  I see people with gigantic umbrellas, small umbrellas, clear umbrellas, college-logo-emblazoned umbrellas, hopping through puddles and still getting wet.

Despite not enjoying getting rained on, I don’t believe in spending 12-13 bucks for an umbrella.  I always leave them places and they get lost and boom! That’s a ten spot down the drain.  Plus, people who care what their umbrellas look like are the same people who care what their toilet paper looks like.

SOLUTION: What I do is I go to the Dollar Store or similar type merchant, and I buy twenty $1 umbrellas…and then I leave them all over the place.  My car, my office, my bag, my home…EVERYWHERE. That way I always have these shitty umbrellas on hand JUST IN CASe, and then if I lose them – that’s only a dollar lost!

Of course, they aren’t the BEST umbrellas in the world – but they work in a pinch.  See Junk Food Nation? I’m sharing all my secrets with you.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

Today’s junk food is one that I’m seeking, because it wasn’t at my local grocery. It’s been emailed, Facebooked, and Tweeted to me several times: Ben & Jerry’s SNL-inspired Schweddy Balls Ice Cream!  I need this now.

The (Semi) Money Shot

SNL’s infamous skit with Alec Bladwin is the inspiration for this junk food, and it looks awesome.  I can’t wait to get those cold fudge covered Schweddy Balls into my mouth.  PLUS vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum???  I’m in!

Someone get me this – or tell me where to find – IMMEDIATELY!

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy