Junk Food Nation, if there’s one thing I hate in this world, it’s picking up something, or reaching for something, or sitting on something, and finding it already warm with someone else’s body heat. Now in the right situation, this might be ok. You get in bed with your spouse and the bed is already warm on a cold winter’s night…ah, how lovely. But if you’re crashing at a friend’s place, and you’re told to just sleep on the couch…the same couch where three of your friends’ asses have been the whole night, and it has that weird body heat resonating from it? Gross.  I don’t wanna be warmed by your ass heat.

And that’s not the only time when unexpected warmth can be REALLY uncomfortable:

1) On the subway. You’re standing there, the train is lurching forward, and so you reach out to grab the bar…and it’s warm.  Ewww…random person hand warmth! So you shift your hand down the bar a little – even more warm!  Gag. It may be all mental, but I like to grab the subway bar and find it nice and cool, even if it’s cold out, because I crazily feel cool bar = no one’s been touching the bar there ever, and so there’s less germs. Less contact with all you weirdos out there.  And if you happen to grab the bar, and it’s warm AND a little sweaty???? I wrench my had away like I just touched battery acid.

More places where unexpected warmth is awkward and unwelcome after the jump. Today’s junk food: Hawaiian Luau BBQ Kettle Chips!

The Money Shot

Hawaiian Luau BBQ Kettle Chips – how exotic!  Made by Tim’s Chips, you’d think these were made in Hawaii – but in fact these are made in Washington State, in the Cascade Mountains.  Weird.  How do people in Washington State know what a Hawaiian Luau BBQ is? (I mean, ignoring that fact that planes, trains, the internet, and telecommunications generally exist).

Where's the grilled pineapple?

Hawaiian Luau BBQ Kettle Chips have a very colorful bag.  But what is a Hawaiian Luau anyways? I imagine it looks something like this.

Um...are the torturing a pig in the background?

Just what I wanted! Hand-painted images of half naked people on my bag of chips!  Abs that I’ll never have! And is this guy blowing a conch shell?  Really? I’m trying to figure out whether to be offended on behalf of all Hawaiians.

And I don’t think that’s how a pig roast works, people.  Those two people holding the pig apparently are standing IN the hot coals.  Right.

Adjectives abound!

Hawaiian Luau BBQ Kettle Chips, I guess just come right out with it.  All that’s missing are the words, “TASTES GOOD!”

Seasoned to taste like an open fire BBQ? What....

I like this idea that by eating these chips you’ll be discovering a whole new world.  Really?  It’s not just a bag of potato chips, but its a little taste of Hawaii, is that what you’re saying?  I can almost guarantee that when I eat these chips, I will not be feeling the cool island breeze.  And these are kettle chips – which are not indigenous to just Hawaii – so I’m confused by the notion of the “Hawaiian style chip.”

Wait...those aren't distinctly Hawaiian ingredients...

Hawaiian Luau BBQ Kettle Chips, filled with pineapple, coconut, palm tree leaves….oh wait, those aren’t the ingredients at all.  Contains potato, vegetable oil, garlic powder…sounds suspiciously like mainland chips to me.

Standard look

The chips themselves looked good. But quite frankly, they just looked like barbecue chips – good fold over on some of the kettle-style chips, but otherwise not unique looking.

Tiny spots of red

The taste – good, but nothing special.  The chips had a good crunch and good potato flavor, as a nice kettle chip should.  The sweet: a nice sweet barbecue flavor, not too sweet like Herr’s brand chips, which I give this brand credit for.  The spicy: very mild, but fi you ate enough chips you’d feel a LITTLE burn on the tongue.

All in all, this WAS a solid BBQ chip – but that’s all it was.  Nothing about it screamed Hawaii, nor was it anything special flavor-wise.  Just a solid BBQ kettle chip, no more, no less.

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More awkward places of warmth:

2) Car seats. You get picked up by a group of your friends, and the driver says, “Just get in back, they’ll scoot over.” The two members in the back seat scootch over, you squeeze in through the back door and sit down… and your ass feels like it just landed on a heating blanket.  Yep, that’s your friend’s asss heat. Touching your ass.  Lovely.

3) Handshakes. I like a nice confident hand shake.  I also like a nice, smooth, non sweaty, and dry handshake. Whenever a dude shakes my hand and his hand is slightly sweaty and really warm, I wanna punch him in the face. No, I don’t want any of your body heat, sir.  And why do dudes always want to shake my hand when we’re standing at the urinal?  They go right from relieving themselves to wanting to slap that crotch-heat right into my palm. Get the eff away from me.

4) Pens.  Even the smallest object can retain heat, and whenever a friend lends me a pen and it’s warm, I know if just came from their ass pocket or crotch pocket or they’ve been handling it for a bit with their own grubby hands. Either way, I’d prefer you keep it.  I’ll just…ah…write with my own blood or something.

5) Warm pillows.  Yikes.

6) Putting on someone else’s jacket and it’s already warm.  Eek.

7) Warm utensils because they’ve (maybe) been in someone else’s mouth? FORGET IT!

8 ) DOORKNOBS. As a normal warning, a warm doorknob could mean fire.  OR a warm doorknob could mean that HUNDREDS of people have been gripping that doorknob with enough frequency that its been able to maintain even that incidental body heat.  Germ central. Someone get me some hand sanitizer.

9) Phone receivers. Contrary to public belief, there are people who do not use cell phones…they’re called people who work in offices.  And nothing is worse than picking up an office phone receiver, placing it to your ear, and the receiver is all warm. That was someone else’s head warmth that you just stuck against your ear.  It’s like you just pressed the side of your head to someone else’s.  BLECH.

Any places where you hate finding unexpected warmth? Tell me what you think in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy