Junk Food Nation, the end of October is approaching, and with it, Halloween.  These next three days will be devoted to Halloween related activities!  Monday is Halloween and is officially when trick or treating will be occurring nationwide.  That means last night and tonight are the official girls-dress-like-sluts and dudes-dress-like-idiots nights!

Girls costumes are easy.  Girls can dress up as whatever they want; and if they can’t think of anything, they can just dress up as slutty versions of anything (nurse, witch, vampire, football player, presidential candidate, James Franco, Steve Jobs, breakdancing hamsters from those car commercials).

But dudes?  Dudes are always gonna look like idiots at Halloween.  And for a guy, that’s either the GOAL or the unintended consequence.  No self-respecting man should take Halloween too seriously – if you’re dressed as Superman and you’re offended no one compliments how perfectly you got the hair lock curl, you might wanna scale it down a notch, son of Jor-El.  If you’re dressed up like a Mario Brother or as the Big Blue Naked Guy from the Watchmen, you’re TRYING to get people to laugh or comment on you.  OWN IT.

But there is a small category of costumes that dudes wear that go beyond eliciting a reaction. Costumes that really should never, ever happen as a man:

1) DUDE WEARING A BABY COSTUME. This is the absolute worst.  If you ever. Ever. EVER see an adult male wearing a diaper, a bib, and sucking on a pacifier?  KICK HIM IN THE CROTCH.  HARD.  This is the worst costume ever invented, and why would you want to wear this??? If you’re ripped, you LOOK RIDICULOUS. Nice bib, dork. And if you’re NOT ripped, you might wanna keep all that …covered up.

More after the jump.  Today’s junk food: Nabisco Newtons Chocolate Raspberry Fruit Thins!

The Money Shot

Nabisco Newtons Chocolate Raspberry Fruit Thins are the newest product in Nabisco’s Newtons line. We’ve all had Fig Newtons before, with the sweet fruit inside a square cakey chewy cookie.  These Fruit Thins are different – Nabisco is venturing into the crispy cookie realm here.

Bits of chocolate and dried fruit

Nabisco Newtons Chocolate Raspberry Fruit Thins are self-explanatory – these cookies are chocolate flavors and raspberry flavors combined into a thin crispy cookie.  I like the imagery here: fresh berries and chips of chocolate in the background.  In the foreground, a crispy cookie speckled with dried fruit and chocolate chips.

But again with the phrase, “Natural Flavor with Other Natural Flavor.”  Products need to stop saying this.

Crispy crisps!

Fig Newtons have been around since 1891, and I love how the product has evolved.  I even love how the word NEWTONS has a leaf on the T – it reflects freshness and fruit.

Natural and delicious sounding

I can’t say much here – that description sounds delicious!!!!  GIMME!

2 perfect rows

Nabisco Newtons Chocolate Raspberry Fruit Thins come in a plastic tray in two large rows.  Because the cookies are so thin, you get plenty in a package.   NICE.  I love quality AND quantity!

Hmmm....looks dry

Hmmmmm, these don’t look QUITE like the package – I don’t see any readily visible chocolate chips or bits of dried fruit.  Still no reason to doubt until I take a bite.  Let’s dig in!

Profile Shot

Nabisco Newtons Chocolate Raspberry Fruit Thins, you are really really good.  The first bite revealed a mild coca but very crunchy and crispy cookie.  As I chewed, my teeth hit bits of dried raspberry that exploded with flavor and gave the sparks of sweet tart fruit.  As the chew continued, the cocoa flavor once again took over, mixing with the fruit flavor to produce a satisfying hearty taste.

Satisfying is actually a good word for these cookies.  Satisfying crunch.  Satisfying chew.  Satisfying if you’re looking for a fruity taste.  Satisfying if you’re looking for a cocoa taste.  Satisfying if you’re looking for the whole package.

Negatives?  They’re a little dry.  But they aren’t being marketed as Fruit Newtons, which are inherently moist.  And these do not TASTE like Fruit Newtons.  But they are a great change of pace, and a tasty and (semi-healthy) cookie.  Two thumbs up, Nabisco!

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2) MALE NA’VI COSTUME.  Yeah, you know – those blue aliens from Avatar?  This is not a costume you should ever wear.  Let’s think about what this says about you – you like the movie Avatar SO MUCH that you felt the need to paint yourself blue.  You spent days learning the Na’vi language so you could be authentic on Halloween night.  And you think it’s a good idea to expose your skin to the outside world and wear a loin cloth.  That’s strike one, two, and three folks.  And stop whispering “Kawkrr Krr slayu nga Na’viyä hapxì” into people’s ears  – you’re creeping us all out, weirdo.

3) HALF HEARTED CROSS DRESSING.  If you’re a dude and you’re going to dress in drag for Halloween? GO ALL OUT.  Wig, lipstick, nailpolish, heels, mascara, blush, eyeshadow, etc. etc. etc.  Do it to it, girlfriend.  BUT – if you’re just a dude wearing a dress?  Ugh….go home, you’re making everyone uncomfortable.  Seriously – leave.  Please.  Before I trip you down a flight of stairs.

What do you think – what costumes are ridiculous in your book?  Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy