Junk Food Nation, there are few things worse in life than getting asked to help a friend move. There are so many points along the way which are both awkward and just plain awful – but the worst is clearly the initial asking. I think getting asked out or hit on by a complete weirdo causes less of a fight-or-flight sensation than getting asked to help a friend move.

The request is always awkward and it always starts out the same way: “Hey what’re you doing Saturday?” This puts you on the spot. Does my friend need help moving? Or does he/she want to give me free tickets to the Super Bowl / Black Eyed Peas Concert / Live recording of the Chew (lol)? It’s so hard to navigate this question without being rude.  But your options are simple:

(a) “I’m free, why?” There you go, just take off that bulletproof vest and armor and leave yourself wide open for any possible crossfire.  If you say you’re free, you are both a risk-taker and a person who enjoys lifting boxes.  Nice work, moron.

(b) “I’m busy from 6:30AM to 11:57PM.” Yep, you’re booked, and you’ll take the hit in case it turns out you turned down something great.  You’ve shielded yourself from any carrying of mattresses, but your friend could easily pull a switcheroo and say, “Awh, I needed someone to come over and drink all this extra wine and beer I have.”  Zounds, foiled again!

(b corollary) It’s tasteless, but possible, to do a double switch – once your friend offers up all that, you reply, “Oh really?  Well, let me see if I can change my schedule…” Then you’re golden, albeit your friend is giving you the stink eye now.

(b corollary addendum) Beware the triple switch! Friend: “Great! We can drink all that beer after you help me move these thirty boxes p a four story walk-up on the East Side.” ZOUNDS!

More after the jump.  Today’s junk food I found in my good ole Giant grocery store: Dr. Pepper Cherry Dessert Topper Flavored Syrup!

Lots of pictures with this post, so I’ll keep my comments brief.  We’ve all had Dr. Pepper soft drinks. Tastes (to me) sort of like a mix of root beer and cherry cola.  Stains white cups a strange maroon-purple color. Well, apparently Dr. Pepper wants to branch out a bit.  Not on the company website (WIN) I knew I had to try this Dr. Pepper Cherry Dessert Topper Flavored Syrup when I saw it lined up near the ice cream aisle.

Dr. Pepper was invented in 1885.  Seriously? That means Dr. Pepper is older than civil rights, women’s right to vote, and television.

I like, incidentally, how this is being touted as “amazingly smooth.” I mean, its a syrup – was I expecting anything less?

Dr. Pepper Cherry Dessert Topper Flavored Syrup blends natural and artificial flavors, and comes in a 14 oz bottle.  14 oz is a friggin’ lot, people.  I better like this.

The serving size is 2 tablespoons, which is just laughable.  I mean, when I use chocolate syrup on ice cream, I’m usually into the more-than-half-cup range… 2 tablespoons?? What am I, eating the ACTUAL serving size of ice cream?

The ingredients of this syrup are not surprising, yet I still have the heebie jeebies.

There’s the No-Mess Cap!

Of course, I needed to open up the bottle seal inside first, and when I did I got some of the syrup on my finger.  First lick – oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof that tastes like cough syrup. It tastes like cherry cough syrup.  Could I distinguish any cola-like Dr. Pepper taste?  ……………nope.  Cough Syrup.

Dr. Pepper Cherry Dessert Topper Flavored Syrup is BLACK, isn’t it?  Like tar….

You know, I love this picture.  The syrup looks like a drip of paint on a ceramic palette. I’ll give myself a pat on the back for this one.

I needed some ice cream to try this stuff, so I went with the reliable (read: on sale) Friendly’s vanilla bean ice cream. (Of course, vanilla bean.  French vanilla is for people who hate themselves.)

And we’re all topped off!  Looks like chocolate syrup, doesn’t it? The contrast of dark on the white ice cream is very aesthetically pleasing.

Time for a bite…and O. M. G. I liked it.  I liked it a lot!  You know what it tasted like, WITH the ice cream? It was like I was eating a root beer / Coke / Dr. Pepper float.  It was like I had a glass of whatever dark soda, plopped vanilla ice cream inside, and then took that flavor combo and removed all the runny liquid – this was just straight up soda float flavor in a bowl with no melt!  AMAZING.  Dr. Pepper Cherry Dessert Topper Flavored Syrup, you have CHANGED MY LIFE!

Standalone, the syrup was too concentrated, sweet, and powerful – like cough syrup.  But spread amongst the creamy ice cream, it was perfect.  I would argue, in some ways, better than chocolate syrup. Chocolate syrup on vanilla ice cream tastes like chocolate ice cream.  Dr. pepper syrup on vanilla ice cream tastes like childhood memories.  Really good.

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Of course, once you get old and curmudgeonly (like me), you can just be brutally honest about not wanting to help a friend move:

“Hey what’re you doing Saturday?”

“Not much, why?”

“Great! Can you move me move for a few hours in the afternoon?”

“…Yeah, I’m not gonna do that.”

Seriously, though, once you get to be my age, just hire movers.   Sure, you might end up with some dinged up furniture and a couple hundred bucks lighter, but it’ll save you hours of torment trying to convince friends to help you – not to mention savings your own blood, sweat, and tears.

When you were in college, your friend’s offers to buy beer and pizza after were enticing.  When you’re older than 25 years old, you think like me: “I can buy my own damn pizza and beer.”

Thoughts?  Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy