Junk Food Nation, for many of you, like me, this was the first week of your fantasy football playoffs.  I play in two leagues, a college league and an office league. Despite my best efforts, I was knocked out in both leagues in Round 1. If you’re anything like me, sports are a good chunk of your life, and fantasy football becomes a big priority. So when you get eliminated from the fake game – well, it’s hard to swallow.  You lose sleep, you second guess decisions, you hate yourself. At least that’s what happens to me. And so I present to you: the Five Stages of Playoff Fantasy Football Grief.

Denial: “I still have games left to make up the deficit, don’t I?”

This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. It’s not really over…there’s a Tuesday night game, isn’t there? Aren’t we doing some kind of extended playoffs, where two weeks are accounted for? In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. There’s no possible way MJD scored four touchdowns against.  I mean its the Jags. THE JAGS!  He must’ve only scored one or two…and my defense will make up for the difference in the Tuesday night game…

The other four steps after the jump.  Today’s junk food: Limited Edition Godiva Chocolatier Gems Milk Chocolate Caramel Apple Truffles!

The Money Shot

I’m not sure if I’ve done fancy chocolate on this blog yet, and anything with this many words in its name (Limited Edition Godiva Chocolatier Gems Milk Chocolate Caramel Apple Truffles) HAS to be fancy. Godiva is a world premier chocolate making company, founded in Belgium in 1926.  At one time owned by the Campbell Soup company (Because THAT makes sense), it is no owned by the Turkish Y?ld?z Holding, which I think was the group that tried to take over the Nakatomi Tower in Die Hard.

Too many names

Limited Edition Godiva Chocolatier Gems Milk Chocolate Caramel Apple Truffles are no where on the Godiva website (WIN) and were found instead at my local CVS.

Godiva has two different products, Gems and Truffles.  Except this bag of Gems has the word Truffles on it. Well, what’s the distinction, Godiva? Try as I might, I couldn’t find an answer.  Someone out there enlighten me, please.

Apple-y goodness

Limited Edition Godiva Chocolatier Gems Milk Chocolate Caramel Apple Truffles has a big ole apple in the background of the bag, covered in caramel.  You know, I dunno if I’ve EVER been such a HUGE fan of caramel apples.  I know people like them, but I’ve never sat around and thought, “You know what would make this apple great? A hard layer of stale syrup designed to loosen my fillings.”

Like a bowl of Kryptonite

So…are Gems individually wrapped, and Truffles are only sold by the box?  TELL ME, GODIVA!

Like shiny green Snitches

Perfect sphere

Limited Edition Godiva Chocolatier Gems Milk Chocolate Caramel Apple Truffles are beautifully wrapped in light green foil and when you unwrap them, the truffle inside is perfect…smells wonderful, the name GODIVA perfectly etched on the surface, and the size of the ball is exactly bite size.  I understand why people like truffles so much – it’s like the perfect confectionery bite.

Interesting cross section

Caramelo Anthony

The taste? Well, I bite in, and immediately thought “That’s some damn rich and velvety chocolate.” Then my second thought was, “Whoa, what’s that weird apple taste doing there?”

Caramel and apples go well together, as do peanut butter and apples, but I’m not really sure about this apple and chocolate mix.  I know we’ve all seen and experienced chocolate fountains and fondue, but I’m always dipping strawberries and pieces of pound cake into chocolate, not apple.  The combination here was…weird, I must be honest.  But Godiva got the flavors right – it was chocolatey, caramel-y, and apple-y all at once. I definitely tasted all those flavors.  But for me? I didn’t quite like the combo.  Sorry, Godiva.  I’ll stick to you non-fruit Truffles.

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Anger: “MY PLAYERS SUCK AND SO DO YOU!”

Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, but also to your family, yourself and your loved ones. WHY THE EFF DIDN’T CALVIN JOHNSON CATCHING ANYTHING!? I HATE MY LIFE!

Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned.  Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe your opponent, and suddenly you have a structure – your anger toward them. I can’t believe I lost to a first year owner. A FIRST YEAR OWNER.  THIS SHOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED!!! He started Lance Moore, for Christ’s sake. LANCE MOORE  AAUUUUUGHHHHH

Bargaining: “Let Drew Brees throw 4 TDs and I’ll stop drinking.”

Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only you can eek out the win to the next week of the playoffs. Pleas, football gods, I will never fart again in public and blame my children if you will only let Ahmad Bradshaw score two touchdowns.  I’m sorry about that time I dropped Victor Cruz. I’m sorry about that time I traded Jamaal Charles to the rookie owner who didn’t know he was hurt. Please…just let Bradshaw hit pay dirt two…three times, and I will never do anything bad ever again.

We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. Football gods, with one game left, I need Flacco to NOT throw to Boldin since I’m facing both of them, but I need Torrey Smith to catch a couple TDs, but I need the Colts to keep the Ravens under 14 its, so …if you make that happen, I will work in soup kitchens for a month, I swear.

Depression: “But…I need to win. I need to. I have $20 at stake.”

After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. Why go on at all? Ugh…what’s there left to do, my job?  Fantasy basketball? I actually have to talk to my wife/girlfriend/drug dealer?

Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. But the loss of your playoff game is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression would be unusual. Yeah, so you were too trigger happy and dealt Aaron Rodgers for Michael Vick before the season started – it happens. Yeah, so you picked up Marion Barber and sat him in favor of Maurice Morris. It happens.  Sh*t happens.

Acceptance: “Just wasn’t my year…and I can still bet on games.”

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a playoff week.  This stage is about accepting the reality and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. You’ve been knocked out. That plastic trophy will not be yours. But maybe it’s better this way – that would’ve looked dumb in your office anyways, right? And it’s only a hundred buck prize…and fantasy football is silly anyways.  I mean, everyone knows what REALLY matters is fantasy baseball – woohoo, Pujols! Arod! Right guys? Right?  RIGHT!?

Any thoughts? Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy