Junk Food Nation, I used to be good at math. Like, in high school, I was really good.  REALLY GOOD. I don’t mean to brag…but I used to be a huge math geek. MathCounts? Placed at States!  SAT Math Section? Near perfect score!  AP Calculus BC? Yeah, I got a 5.

Ok, let me come off my pedestal for a minute. Do I realize those high school accomplishments aren’t that great? Yes. That they mean nothing now? Yes. I went to college with people who blew me out of the water when it came to math (or academics generally), and I never studied math closely ever again.  And I say all this because now? I AM REALLY. BAD. AT. MATH.

How bad at math am I? Enough to embarrass myself publicly.  Two situations:

(1) I was trying to do long division last month. I had a friend watching me. I drew the sideways L line we are all familiar with, and put the numbers in the right place – one outside the bracket, and one inside.

Easy, right? So I wrote the numbers in, and then stared at it. For like…a while. I looked up at my friend, and said, “….Now what?” I couldn’t remember!  “Err….does something happen now? Do some numbers go into other numbers or something?” Yeah, it was pathetic…and I was serious.  My friend made sure to let me know how pathetic it was…the rest of the week. Dick.

(2) I was standing around with my colleagues last winter, and we were trying trying to figure out distances inside the District. DC is shaped like a diamond, and each side of the diamond is 10 miles long. We were trying to figure out what the north-south, east-west distances were. ALL of us were trying to recount how to calculate it, but NO ONE could remember how to do it.

“I think it’s A squared plus B squared equals C squared.” “Ok…so?” “Well, what’s A?” “No, isn’t it still 10 miles?” “No, it’s like…” (Yeah, how many lawyers does it take to solve a math problem?)

The topper was when another attorney walked up and asked what we were doing. I looked at her and asked, “Do you know how to do….er…shapes?” Shapes. I said “shapes.” I COULDN’T REMEMBER THE WORD GEOMETRY!  Instead, that’s what I said, word for word.  Good lord.

I hoped no one else would notice, but it was like a record scratched and everyone looked at me, and started laughing.  Sigh.

So yeah, I am horrible at math now, and when people find out – it’s just as embarrassing as it sounds. I get the “Did you GRADUATE high school?” look.  Yes, yes I did, judgmental jerks.

On to today’s junk food. It’s been a while since I did an Asian snack, and this one was given to me by my friend Angela – Meiji Spicy Choco Stick: Cinnamon & Black Pepper!

Meiji Spicy Choco Stick: Cinnamon & Black Pepper is made by Meiji, a food company apparently created in 1998…which seems odd.  And making a snack that is a cookie stick, dipped in chocolate, with the flavors of cinnamon and black pepper? Why not?

Meiji’s website is another confusing mixture of bad English and weird cartoons, just as you’d expect from an Asian junk food website.  After each picture, I’m going to insert some website wisdom.

Judging from the photo above, however, it’s apparent that you’re expected to enjoy these “choco stick” with alcoholic beverages.  Interesting…

From the Meiji Website: “JUST ENJOY IT.” Well, that certainly is a straightforward tagline, no?

The box itself felt like it was designed by a nightclub in the 80’s, mixing black and dark backgrounds with bright neon colors. Where’s Axel Foley when you need him?

From the website: “Shanghai Meiji was established in 1997 and began to manufacture in 1998. We inherit from our sister company Taiwan Jellico Food Co., Ltd., who was established in the 50′ s.” There’s so many tense and pronoun mistakes here my head is spinning.  Not that I’m any sort of great writer, but…

Look, I don’t read Korean…or Japanese…whatever this is, but I’d REALLY like to know what is written in the red oval.  I’m guessing it says something like “PERFECT WITH BOOZE!” or something to that effect. The box shows things you should enjoy these “stick” with…like a vodka tonic.

From the website: “After years of research and development in food processing technologies, Shanghai Meiji food has won high reputation from its customers.” How very stereotypical, no? You can just see a Tiger Mom yelling, “YOU RESEARCH FOOD TECHNOLOGY! YOU WIN HIGH REPUTATION!”

Meiji Spicy Choco Stick – also to be enjoyed with a nice mug of beer or a glass of red, apparently. You know, I can’t think of a food that goes well with beer, vodka tonic, AND red wine, can you? I guess a steak goes with anything…but I wouldn’t have expected chocolate dipped cracker cookies to be among my choices.

From the website: “As one of best licensee for years, we’ve been promoting our product of Disney Standard Characters/Winnie the Pooh/The Incredibles/Princesses and BBC Teletubbies in China successfully.” Teletubbies still exist!?

Yeah, I have no schtick here. I have no idea what I’m looking at. I do like the cute computer/telephone cartoon in the upper left, but other than that I’m lost.

From the website: “Besides marketing our product in the domestic market of China, we also have now been successfully selling in US, Canada, Japan, Korea, Hong Kong, Vietnam, Trinidad, Mexico, Guatemala, Jamaica, Honduras, EI Salvador, Nicaragua, Ecuador, Costa Rica, India, Poland, Australia, New Zealand, Israel (Including Palestine), UK, Poland, Germany, Russia, France, Belgium and South Africa, Mauritius with good feedbacks.” Israel, including Palestine, huh? Didn’t know Meiji was making a political statement.

Apparently, you are to dip these sticks into a glass of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.  I’ll tell you one thing I will NOT be doing with these sticks.  Dipping them into Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

From the website: “At present moment, we have a workforce of 400 – 600 people (depended on peak or low season).” Er…I think you mean dependING on peak or low season. Jus’ sayin’.

This weird sticker with nutritional info was stuck onto the back of the box.  Thanks. Now I can see these aren’t “Spicy Choco Stick,” but rather…”Spicy Stick Cinnamon.” WHAT THE.

From the website: “Our paid up Capital is USD2.00 million. Our sales turnover is around UDS 11 million in year 2004.” Er…is it typical for companies to share their accounting numbers on the website?

Meiji Spicy Choco Stick: Cinnamon & Black Pepper come three packages to a box, five chocolate dipped cracker/cookie sticks a piece.  The box was made to look elegant, but these kind of look…low rent. I dunno – I expected …more.

From the website: “Continuously developing new products with dainty, health and sanitation, meeting the demand of our customers and creating a better future are the ideals of Shanghai Meiji Food Co., Ltd.” What does developing with dainty mean? This is a clear botch in translation.

Each Meiji stick was covered with a nice dark colored chocolate. When you look at the cracker itself, you can see the specks of cinnamon and black pepper embedded in the dough.

From the website: here are the candies shaped like Teletubbies. Horrifying.

Ok, let’s just get to the taste of these Meiji Spicy Choco Stick: Cinnamon & Black Pepper. The cookie snap was really nice, and the overall stick was very crunchy.  A satisfying crunch without being too messy.  Each stick is about 4″ long, so manageable to hold and eat.

The first taste you get is the dark chocolate taste – very rich and sweet.  Almost immediately, however, the overwhelming taste of black pepper starts to press through and mix with the chocolate flavor.

I know Meiji is trying to go for a sweet and savory taste here, but this black pepper and chocolate combo is really weird. There is a saltiness with the black pepper that mixes oddly with the dark chocolate flavor.

As you swallow, the lastly taste you get the most of is the black pepper – that peppery tingle remains in the mouth. Very interesting. I didn’t taste any cinnamon, with the black pepper taste overpowering any other spice. These definitely were spicy choco stick[s].

Would I eat these again? Maybe, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to buy these.  Maybe they ARE better with alcohol…

Any thoughts on being bad at math or this snack? Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy