Junk Food Nation, HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I love you all!  2011 was a big year – obviously, because it featured the launch of this blog!  2012 promises to be even better.  I’ve got even more surprises up my sleeve, Junk Food Nation – stick around and we’ll rock this ride together.

Looking back on 2011, I had a lot of resolutions – some I kept, some I didn’t.  We all have the obligatory “get in shape, get my finances in order, clean the attic” New Year’s resolutions.  But this past year, I made one resolution that I was THRILLED I was able to keep, and hopefully it set an example for everyone else:

I resolved never, ever, EVER, to write an email with the subject line reading, “Hi.”

Yes, that’s right. No emails entitled, “Hey.” No emails entitled, “What’s up.” And CERTAINLY no emails entitled, “<no subject>.”  Why? Because it’s really fucking annoying, that’s why.

1) Look I get it – sometimes, you’re actually just writing to say What’s Up.  But really, how often does that happen? I don’t know about you, but my life is damn busy – I don’t have time to actually sit and write emails to long lost pen pals to ask What’s Up.  That’s what Twitter is for, people!

2) The only other reason for writing “Hi.” or “<no subject>” in the subject line is because, for some crazy reason, you don’t want to give away what the ACTUAL subject of the email to the reader before he/she opens it.  Like it’s a time bomb…like, once he/she opens the email, BWHAHAA YOU FOOL!  I TRICKED YOU!  ….No, idiots.  No.  I understand…it’s much easier to say “Hey” in the subject line of an email than saying, “Help me move on Saturday?” or “You’re getting sued!”  Because we all judge an email by it’s subject line, maybe the “Hi” is meant to get the email past the first round of unopened-email-delete-fest.

Hell, I’ll admit it, whenever I see an email dubbed, “Need volunteers for…..(insert some court of community service activity),” I’ve pulled the whole delete and “Awh I didn’t get that email…weird…hmmm.”  And I’ll open a “Hi” email and be reading thinking, “Ok…pleasantries…pleasantries…get to the point….AWH CRAP HE WANTS ME TO HELP CLEAN A PARK?”

More after the jump. Presenting….the first junk food of 2012!  Thought I’d bring it full circle to how this blog began – with a little Doritos action!  Presenting…Limited Edition Salsa Rio Doritos!

Limited Edition Salsa Rio Doritos – I almost jumped out of my skin when I first saw these in my local Giant grocery. My sister told me about seeing them, and I remember these from when I was a kid – specifically because I remember my sister really liking this flavor and I thought it was too bold for my 10-year old tongue.

Back in the day, Salsa Rio Doritos had a similar look as these Limited Edition Salsa Rio Doritos. Back then, Jay Leno was endorsing Doritos and they had the tagline, “Crunch all you want…we’ll make more.”  Which, I think, is still a genius tag line.  The 2012 version should be, “Just eat ’em fatties – the supply is endless.” No?  Doesn’t click?  This is why I’m not in advertising.

BIG TOMATO FLAVOR!  At least, that’s what I see when I look at this bag. Salsa Rio, according to Google Translate, means Rio sauce.  And Rio means River…so River Sauce?  Um….WHAT.  Yeah, stick to calling ’em Salsa Rio, Doritos.

Like Doritos should – big, bold, vibrant colors.

Limited Edition Salsa Rio Doritos are Packed with seasoning, including those great little clumps of seasoning which scream, “I’m going to provide 60% of your daily salt intake!”

Look delicious though, don’t they? I love Doritos.  Something about the way they look, the way they smell – oh yeah, these smelled of tomatoey onion powder and a bit of cheese when I opened the bag.

Limited Edition Salsa Rio Doritos, taste test number one: EXPLOSION OF FLAVOR.  Bite #2: MORE FLAVOR.  Crunch Crunch 3: Wow.  These were pretty good.

The taste: IMMEDIATELY very tangy, VERY tangy, like a tortilla that had lime juice squeezed all over it.  And not lime powder, like Tostitos – lime JUICE.  Then the flavor of the tomato and onion came out, big time.  Like a heavy handed pica de gallo, these chips had a heavy flavor or tomato, garlic, and onion.

Finally, after all that strong veggie flavor, a nice flavor of sharp cheese came out – didn’t overpower the salsa taste, just complemented it.  The purpose of these Doritos was clearly not cheese, but salsa flavor.

The after taste in my mouth, without question, was of onion flavor.  Like, the same flavor as when I eat fresh diced onion on a taco or in salsa.  But then I would smack my lips, and leftover tomato flavor would emerge.  Really incredible – the flavor profile was on POINT.

These were a great callback, and a great product.  Nice nice nice work, Doritos.  A great way to start 2012.

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More about my 2011 resolution:

3) Entitling an email “Hey” or “<no subject>” does NOT help when you are looking for an important email.  yes, I know Gmail has word search, and content search, and STARS that you can mark important emails with. But how bout this, smarty pants?  How bout sometimes you don’t REMEMBER what key words to search for. Or you don’t think at the time the email NEEDED STAR-ing.  AND sometimes you punch in key words you think will bring it up, and STILL nothing.

Nothing is more frustrating than to be looking for someone’s new cell phone number, and searching for Number – nothing. Cell – nothing. Area code – nothing.  And then you finally find it in an email entitled, “Re: re: RE: re: RE: RE: 😛”

4) Yeah, that’s a good point – knock it off with the emoticons in the subject lines too.  What are you, twelve?  This is a work email, too, moron!

So yeah, in 2011, I endeavored and I think, succeeded, in making sure my emails were titled properly and would be later easy to find, no matter how blunt they were. Check out these examples of actual emails sent by me, and how I plan to make the same message EVEN BLUNTER in 2012, to maximize search ability and clarity upon subject read:

“We need to check out this new sports bar in Bethesda” – not bad. But in 2012 I would write, “New Sports Bar in Bethesda = Hooters Copycat, Half-Naked Women = We’re Going.”  SO CLEAR, right?

“I wanted to put this video on your Facebook Wall” – clear intent, but not a lot of info. In 2012: “Video of CNN Anchor Being Horribly Rascist When He Thinks Camera is Off.”  BOOM!   Done.

So go forth into 2012 and make those email subject lines tight and unforgiving!  Be bold with your written word!

Tomorrow: My 2012 resolutions.

Thoughts?  Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy