Junk Food Nation, today is the Pro Bowl, where the AFC All Stars take on the NFC All Stars.  It is the All Star Game of the National Football league, where all the stars get to shine.  Except for one thing – no one cares.  I’m a huge football fan, and I certainly don’t.  Of baseball, hockey, basketball, and football, it’s probably the All-Star game I care the least about.

It’s never played during the season, like all the other sports, so there never is an “All-Star Break” … which makes sense, since you don’t want anyone to get injured.  So they USED to stick it the week after the Super Bowl…where everyone was so exhausted with the playoffs that NO ONE wanted to watch.  Can you imagine this in real life? It’d be like college’s having their huge spring formal…and then trying to market another party/dance the following Saturday.  Ugh, loserville.  And that’s what the Pro Bowl is.

Due to obvious awful ratings, the NFL then decided to switch it – placing it during the bye week in between the last round of the playoffs and the Super Bowl.  It starts off “Super Bowl Week,” according to the NFL…but now all the players who are actually PLAYING in the Super Bowl aren’t in it because they want to be healthy for the big game. So THAT’S great – an All-Star game with a built-in limitation.  Pretty smart, NFL.

Am I advocating getting rid of the Pro Bowl? Nah, doesn’t hurt me one bit that it’s played – I just won’t be watching it. Do I wish it was a cool game to watch, seeing all the best players on one team? Yeah, I do. Do I have a solution? Absolutely.  An exhibition game can always equal injuries, so having it during the season will never work.  So how do they play this all-star game without injuries….GOT IT!  Have all the all-stars play themselves in a huge game of Madden!

Think of the marketing!  The XBox PS3 CES Pro Bowl, brought to you by EA Sports!  You could link every single player to their on-screen counterpart and have them duke it out on the virtual playing field!  Hell, if technology progresses, “Real-Steel” the event and have every player wear those sensor suits with the ping pong balls on the outside.  Hell, mix in some other games to have fun with it.  You think Ray Lewis wouldn’t love to grab the machete power-up and hack the head off Aaron Rodgers during a “Flawless victory sack?” YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT HE WOULD!

I’d watch. And I know you would too.

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A little while ago, I highlighted a bunch of Asian junk foods at my local Asian grocery store.  What I failed to mention at that time was that this Asian grocery store I go to is also a Latino grocery store!  So this time around, I figured I’d mock all the Latin snacks I could find.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Mamut means...Mammoth?

This was the first box that jumped out at me. MAMUT! Very similar to the Choco Pie, I was struck – not many companies would be bold enough to say “You know what we need to call our snack?  MAMMOTH.  Because when I think marshmallow pies covered in chocolate, I think of a WOOLLY FRIGGIN MAMMOTH. You with me, everyone?”

Giro means...turn?

GIROS!  Funny, all the giros I’ve had have lamb and tahini in them (ba dum dum *cymbal* rimshot).  These Oreo-knockoffs are called TURN because you turn them to eat them…I guess.  One thing that freaks me out – the tendrils of milk or cream which are circling these cookies like Spiderman’s web.  Gross.  Plus this packaging gave me a headache.  Too much blue foil.

Hit still means hit

Presenting…Nestle’s HIT!  Which means…hit.  What? I don’t get the name of this snack at all, especially since…it’s just a package of crackers.  Maybe the flavor hits you in the face? Perhaps. Is it a hit?  I say nay.

Fruit Crackers?

Another Latino Nestle snack! Bran cracker with fruits and cereal…sounds pretty tasty actually.  Reminds me of the Newton Thins. 18% fruit?? That’s more than any American snack I know of…except for fruit itself, which I believe is only 20% fruit.  Can I get a fact check on this?

Does this need to be packaged?

For those of you who like Toast, but hate making it, this is a package of toast!  Low fat too – stop eating all that full fat toast, fatties.  By the way, I like how it says, “Not a low calorie food” when toast IS a low calorie food – provided you aren’t eating an entire loaf of toasted bread with butter and jam (like I usually do).

Had to throw one Asian Junk Food in...

Sorry I had to throw one Asian junk food in.  Milk chewy??  NO THANK YOU.  If there’s one thing that should NOT be chewy…

LOL

Aaaahahahha I don’t even have a joke for this one.  Chin chin?  Where do I even start? I can’t even think of some connection to make fun of these M&M knockoffs. Although I guess this is no worse than calling a chocolate bar Kit Kat.

I hardly know 'er!

I enjoy snack companies that name their snacks after real life things – after all, that’s what Snickers and 100 Grand did.  But just calling a snack “Poker” is frankly, kind of random.  Try all the other Elledi snack wafers, “Blackjack,” “Shufflepuck,” and “Naked PhotoHunt.”

Enjoy the Pro Bowl, if you can, everyone!

Thoughts? Tell me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy