Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos & Awkward Mondays: Introduction No Man’s Land. WTF.
Junk Food Nation, I’ve got an awkward bone to pick. I was at a party recently when the following scenario occurred (and let’s pretend my name is Matt). I was talking to a female friend of mine, when another female came up to say “Hi” to my friend. They chatted a little bit while I stood there, politely – no biggie. Then my friend noticed me still there, and said: “Oh hey, Matt, I think you two know each other, we all went to school together.”
Now, I had no idea who this person was. But I politely stuck my hand out, and said, “Hey, I’m Matt.”
She, very sincerely, shook my hand and said, “Oh hey, it’s nice to meet you.”
I was in Introduction No Man’s Land. I just gave you my name, and you’re not going to reciprocate? REALLY? I have NO idea who this person is, and now she’s forcing me to either ASK for her name (“and your name is?”) when quite frankly, I couldn’t give a fuck, or to continue the conversation with no lifeline.
For the rude people out there like this girl: Do you know how awkward it is when you introduce yourself with no name? It’s called bedside manner, people. Or just plain MANNERS. Could you imagine if you were sitting in a doctor’s room and some dude with a stethoscope comes in and starts tickling your balloon knot with no intro, nothing? You wouldn’t like it, would you?
‘Cause when YOU don’t at least reciprocate the intro, you’re either (1) doing it intentionally to end the conversation quickly, in which case, stop being a prick about it and find some OTHER way out of the conversation (“Did you fart? I’m leaving”) OR (2) you’re a complete idiot with no manners who deserves to be treated as such.
Well fine. From now on, when you don’t tell me your name, I’m just gonna make one up for you. I’LL BE THE PRICK. “Hi I’m Matt.” “Oh it’s so nice to meet you Matt.” <silence> “Yeah, so…GREAT PARTY, HUH, SHITHEAD?”"
Speaking of parties, today’s junk food is a special one: Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos!
Can I just ask HOLY SHIT DID YOU KNOW OREOS WERE AROUND FOR 100 YEARS??? Well, according to these Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos, they have been! I didn’t know that chocolate wafer cookies even existed 100 years ago! What were they made of back then – army rations and castor oil?
Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos aren’t up on the website quite yet, but Nabisco is discussing the birthday. ”On March 6th, Oreo turns 100 years young” …well, I couldn’t wait another few WEEKS. I need to eat these NOW! You have this fun looking package, with bright attractive colors, and you expect me to wait til March 6? No no no no – not gonna happen.
(What else happened in 1912: The Scoville Unit (used to measure the heat of peppers) is devised and tested by Wilbur Scoville. Yeah, Oreos go back to a time where people didn’t know what “spicy” meant, apparently.)
Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos have been etched to look like what I imagine coins looked like back in the early 1900′s – large, made of coarse metal, with deep etchings. The cavemen used these, I think.
(What else happened in 1912: Paramount Pictures, the oldest American motion picture studio, is founded. Pre-Oreos – no movies. Post-Oreos – Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol. We’ve come so far.)
Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos, I WILL CELEBRATE THE KID INSIDE. And by that I mean the kid that sits against the wall with an entire package of Oreos on his lap shoveling cookies into his mouth with both hands. Yeah.
(What else happened in 1912: The RMS Titanic strikes an iceberg in the northern Atlantic Ocean. She sinks the following day with the loss of 1500. HOLY HELL – OREOS CAME OUT WHEN THE TITANIC WAS AROUND. Geebus.)
Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos contained a lot of ingredients I’m wasn’t familiar with. Confectioner’s glaze? Carnauba wax? Isn’t carnauba wax used to…er…wax cars???? What the hell is happening, Oreos?
(What else happened in 1912: Albert Berry makes the first parachute jump from a moving airplane. I’m actually shocked that parachutes came out so long ago. What were early parachutes like? Bed sheets tied to strings on someone’s back?)
Such a large plastic tray for essentially 21 Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos. I guess in 100 years, we haven’t gotten any more Earth-friendly, have we, Nabisco?
Gotta give these Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos props – looks just like the package.
Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos smelled immediately different than regular Oreos. No I’m not kidding. As soon as I opened the package, I smelled…..cupcakes! Or rather, smelled traditional cupcake frosting smell! Bizarre. The internal creme was flecked with rainbow colors. I needed a closer look.
(What else happened in 1912: Gene Kelly, American actor, was born! Singing in the Rain is one of my favorite movies. Shut up.)
The “creme patty” was actually MUCH softer than traditional Oreo creme which is often more stiff. This was, instead, smooth and kinda gooey. Look what happens when I rub the cookie halves together….
(What else happened in 1912: Bram Stoker, Irish writer of Dracula, died. Who knows? If Mr. Stoker had been able to eat Oreos, maybe the vampire would’ve sucked creme out of cookies instead of blood out of humans.)
See? The creme in these Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos spreads off VERY easily, like butter. Like cakey frosting-like butter. I needed these in my mouth. STAT.
(What else happened in 1912: my favorite fact of 1912 - Mayor Yukio Ozaki of Tokyo gives 3,000 cherry blossom trees to be planted in Washington, D.C., to symbolize the friendship between the two countries. And being a DC resident, I get to enjoy the Cherry Blossom Festival each and every year!)
The flavor of these Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreos was strange, yet amazing. They tasted like Oreos…but the creme center DIDN’T taste like typical Oreo creme. Instead – it tasted like it smelled…like cake frosting! I’m being totally serious…it tasted like the same frosting you’d get off the top of a Vons, Safeway, Costco, Shoppers, Harris Teeter, Publix, Sams Club, Walmart-style flat sheet cake. Sweet sweet sweet with almost a cake batter-like flavor to it. Or, if you’ve ever had a Carvel ice cream cake, that had frozen Oreos in it, this tasted like that. Like Oreo cookies dunked into Duncan Hines cake frosting. Blammo.
These were pretty startling yet interestingly tasty. If you like birthday cake, you’ll like this. Not a bad treat to mark your hundred years, Oreos. With all the BS “Winter Oreos” and “Spring Oreos” and “Football Oreos” which are all just regular Oreos with food coloring or different shapes, it was nice to see an actual different FLAVOR of Oreo. GREAT WORK.
Sincerely, Junk Food Guy