Good morning Junk Food Nation!  Here in DC it is March and it is a sparkling but cool 46 degrees outside.  Two things before I get into today’s junk food.

1) I had an awful dream last night.  And it was a silly awful dream; not one where you loved ones are murdered or even one where you’re running from some kind of vampire/alien hybrid killer.  No, in my dream, I was back in law school, and I arrived at a final exam late. Really late. Like it’s normally a three-hour exam and I showed up with 27 minutes left to go. In my dream head, I was panicking. It was physically impossible to write/type everything I needed, and I was going mad trying. And for some reason, the exam was Top-Chef-style: I had to have the exam in the box by the time the deadline hit, or I was disqualified. The clock went DING! and I was still typing. I sat there in my dream, stunned, thinking how could I have effed this up so badly? It was then that I woke up, but I was still shell shocked.  Even awake, I kept wondering if I was going to have to go to summer school to make up the exam during my nights after work. Jeezy Chreezy.

2) March is (apparently) FROZEN FOOD MONTH!  *trumpets blare* Another reason to love March!  Visit that link to learn all about Frozen Food Month!  One interesting event coming this fall: the National Frozen & Refrigerated Foods Convention in Washington, DC, October 6-9, 2012.  Holy cow, that’s my back yard!  I’m THERE.

Last month I did like several ice creams, and we’re not gonna stop during Frozen Food Month!  In fact, with some exceptions, I’m gonna try HARD to push and review everything frozen junk food-ish in my freezer!  In fact, this will be my “clean-out-my-freezer” stretch of reviews. Be afraid. I have some random shit in there.

The Money Shot

To that end, today’s junk food is: Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Fries!  Found in the freezer of my local Safeway.  I love Ore-Ida tater tots and fries, but sometimes I don’t have time to spread them out on a foil lined baking tray and put them into my pre-heated oven.  Besides, baked fries are NEVER as good as deep fried fries.  So what’s with all the effort?

Ore-Ida has you cooking your fries hot pocket-style - with the box as your crazy heating package

Well, Ore-Ida has a solution. NUKE DEM BITCHES. Yes, now you can have so-so french fries in four minutes, no mess, no oven, just you and Chef Mike…crowave.  Let’s look at these, photolog-style, shall we?

Potatoes, partially hydrogenated oils, salt and preservatives. Oh, and soybeans. What else do you need?

The regular cut fries had more calories than the crinkle cut. That's funny - usually fat is hidden in the rolls, no?

The frozen crinkle cuts are covered with ice instead of salt.

The frozen straight cuts look iced over and sort of pathetic. Let's blast them with radiation!

Side by side, a sad pair of potato sticks. Still, in their weird-lined boxes, magic is about to happen.

Cardboard covers pressed down firmly, as instructed. FOUR MINUTES....GO!

WHOA. I'm sure the warping on the post-microwaved box is normal. And that these fries don't have toxins all over them now. Yet, normal.

A little burnt, but piping hot.

Good char on these too - looking like fast food fries, almost.

Up close, these Ore-Ida crinkle cut fries looked good. Moist, salty, and had a good springy feeling. Didn't fall apart sloppily.

The Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Fries, straight cut, were crispy and light.

Paired with Ketchup and Frank's Red Hot (of course).

Each of the microwaved fries had slight differences.  The Golden Crinkles were nice and potatoey, had a good firm outer shell, and weren’t soggy.  I always feel like crinkle cut fries suffer from sogginess since they tend to be thicker and thus more able to absorb oil.  At least this is how they were in my grade school lunches.  These had none of that – they were nice and firm.

The straight cut fries were not as successful, I’d say. They were VERY crispy – almost TOO crispy.  Each of these fries had that bottom-of-a-french-fry-container feel. They were all so crunchy, I got almost NO potato flavor.

Overall, the crinkle cuts had a better texture/feel than the straight cuts, but both suffered from very little flavor.  It wasn’t that they lacked salt (although more would’ve helped), it’s that the microwave flavor zapped out any life within.

Of course, what did I expect from four minute fries?  I knew they wouldn’t be restaurant, or even fast food quality.  This has not changed my opinion – fries or tater tots made at home, no matter what the cooking element, are not as good as deep fried at a restaurant.

Sad sad looking trays.

If you’re gonna try these Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Fries, go for the Golden Crinkles.  You’ll feel like you’re in grade school again, I promise.

Comments? Hit me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy