HAPPY THURSDAY, Junk Food Nation.  Today’s blog post is brought to you my friend Jen, who reviewed Candy Corn Oreos on this blog before and was also my and the Junk Food Gal’s extra taste tester at the most recent Summer Fancy Food Show.  You’d see her in all the video footage I shot…if I ever got around to editing it.  (Note to self: GET OFF ASS.)

Anyways, these Mountain Dew Cheetos were discussed on the Nosh Show and the Impulsive Buy tried these too.   When Jen contacted me asking whether she could review these for JunkFoodGuy.com, my immediate thought was, “Better you than me.” 😉

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Jen again. How y’all been?

As you may know my dietary philosophy is very similar to that of a video game character in that I will eat anything that comes across my path, regardless of its provenance or whether my power meter is full.  You know how you’re always supposed to wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a car and the doctors have to operate? There are some days where my intake is so weird that I worry they would cut me open and it’d be like when they slice open Great White sharks, just entire goats and  hubcaps and Mounds still in the wrapper. I jaywalk a lot.

Everyone’s got bullet points in their acquaintances’ eyes; those quirks and personality handholds that your non-day-to-day people associate and update you with. Floridians get sent your run-of-the-mill headlines about sex crimes and alligators and sinkholes, gays get Beyoncé videos, bronies get whatever the fuck it is that fuels that useless fire.  Mine are celebrity deaths and weird food, meaning every time a member of the Partridge Family pines for the fjords or Nabisco releases Limited Edition Lamb Newtons, I get a slew of texts/emails/Gchats letting me know I just HAVE to put something in my mouth (we all mourn in our own ways).

And this is how I found myself on J BOX (“You’ve got a friend in Japan!”), purchasing Frito-Lay Mountain Dew Cheetos from that friend in Japan who is happy to send me strange foodstuffs in exchange for money oh and also panties and shuriken.  I really owe her a letter to catch up.

Mountain Dew Cheetos: The Snack you never knew you never wanted.

I know Eric likes to include photos of the nutritional information and ingredients, but it’s all in Japanese, so instead let’s instead take that time to reflect on the sacrifices made by the veterans who fell in the JUST KIDDING HERE’S A DIRTY MOUSE PAD.

I cannot in good comedy faith make yet another joke about Japanese schoolgirls

(JFG’s Note: Yeah…I censored this picture because I’d like to avoid federal prosecution.)

OK. Let’s get a look at the Cheetos themselves. Honestly, if I open this thing and it contains used knee high schoolgirl socks, it’s not going to be entirely shocking.

I made the mistake of licking my fingers after removing a couple of Cheetos—this must be a primal instinct etched into the American DNA at this point—and so I have received an omen of what is to become of me. Fare thee well, my honeys. It was nice being a faceless internet entity to you all.

What do you see? I see butterflies doin’ it.

While the seasoning alone tastes like a pixie stick is holding a blade to the necks of your taste buds, the actual Cheeto adds enough counterbalance to bring it back down to Earth, or at least to Japan.  While these aren’t exactly pleasant to eat (they’re about a dozen needlepoints too sweet for my tongue), I will say that Frito Lay absolutely nails the Mountain Dew flavor. These taste exactly like my junior year of high school, and I’m going to be up all night watching X-Files reruns.

You know who would love these? Ants. Enjoy your pull quote, Frito-Lay.

Mountain Dew Not

My face inadvertently runs through the entire emotional spectrum when I eat one. It’s like my expression is rotating through all of the Mr. Men books in the span of a couple of seconds.

Ever caught yourself absentmindedly eating Cheetos and felt kind of pitiful? The Mountain Dew factor does not dampen this pathos. I hope this is not one of the scenes that fixes itself in my memory bank, because I don’t need to see this again every time I almost get hit by a taxi.

Je suis désolé.

I dropped one of these way back under my desk and I’ve decided to leave it there as a reminder to live a worthy and meaningful life in the service of others and not end up the kind of person that eats Mountain Dew Cheetos.

Well, there you have it. Next time you’re feeling peckish in the supermarket line in Tokyo you’re about to impulse buy a snack, reach for a pack of squid gummies instead.

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Great stuff as always; thanks Jen! Follow her on Twitter @AnotherJenAdams and thank me later.

PURCHASED AT: J BOX (link here)

COST: $3.80

Thoughts? Please comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. I also have Google+!! Let’s hang out.

Sincerely,

Junk Food Guy