JFG Nation, at this point I have read 40-50 articles about the Super Bowl. I’ve heard hours of sports radio talking about the Super Bowl. For those who have had their heads in the sand, I’ll catch you up:

THE MAIN STORY: THE SHIFTING NARRATIVE OF CAM VS. PEYTON:

First it was “Cam Newton is a jerk. Do you see how he dances? Do you see how he dabs? You can’t be like that in the NFL! Peyton Manning is all class stop making fun of his forehead and get off my lawn!!”

Then came the reaction hot takes “Cam Newton is not a jerk! Do you know how much he does for the community? And you’re getting upset because he does a stupid jig after a TD? Get off your own porch, Grandpa!”

Then the reactions to BOTH hot takes: “Hot takes are stupid! People are just looking for things to talk about! What about the game, man??? WHAT ABOUT THE GAME PAPAJOHNS BUICK SUPERMAN THAT HOOOOOOO”

Here’s the thing: I love good play and I love celebrations. I get it – you don’t want to show up the other team, but I’ve never understood this idea that you have to give the ball straight to the ref and chug off the field after a TD. Football is A GAME. Aren’t you supposed to have fun during games? The answer is yes, people who don’t know what fun is.

When I was a kid, I used to LOVE on-field football celebrations. Dugout dances between baseball players, basketball game intro handshakes between the point guard and center, and choreographed post-goal celebrations in soccer. I mean, I used to practice this stuff with my friends all the time AND I WASN’T AN ATHLETE. That stuff is FUN.

When the NFL started banning some celebrations, I understood it – you had some players mimicking pissing on the opposing team’s logo or something. But now that I’m older, I’m like, who CARES. Just don’t show it on TV. Or do, I don’t care. Fine a team or throw a flag if the celebration takes excessively long, but stop placing your own value system on the field, NFL.

My friend David Roth, a writer for VICE, wrote this great article about this whole situation. His gist: the reason the NFL has a problem with Cam Newton is because the NFL has a very specific way it wants you to enjoy the game , in the way the game is played, and in the way the whole thing is packaged, and Newton disrupts this. The NFL is like the high school stage director during a production of Sound of Music who gets mad at the kids for changing the way the Billy Goat scene is even though the audience is enjoying it.

Well EFF THAT. I can like the way Cam Newton plays AND like Peyton Manning. You don’t have to CHOOSE and ONLY appreciate one style of play. The NFL is great because it huge, diverse, no one team is the same, and people are inventing new ways to win all the time. D. Roth put it best: “There is no need to bend this back towards bias, or to moralize a game that has never had anything to do with morality.” Amen, brutha.

SIDE STORIES: DOES PEYTON RETIRE IF HE WINS? DOES HE DO HGH? DOES HE KEEP TOP SECRET EMAILS ON HIS PERSONAL EMAIL? 

A reader on Deadspin a couple weeks ago made a good point, IMO: If Peyton IS going to retire after the SB, why NOT just load up on HGH, horse steroids, PCP, and go nuts and win the game? I agree – I want Peyton to go out there wired like Frankenstein’s monster, electricity bursting through his veins.

Of course, if he was tested AFTER the game, and they caught him, I have no doubt that the NFL would try to use this fall from grace to their advantage. If there’s anything that professional sports league like more than covering up for athlete indiscretions, it’s TAKING THEM DOWN. (See: Cam Newton). We’d have a 30-for-30 in the future called “The Sheriff: How the West WASN’T Won.” Puke.

By the way, I HAVE to believe Peyton retires whether he wins or loses. Dudes, he can barely run, throw, or turn his head. I’m surprised they let him drive a car, because you know DAMN well he ain’t checking his blind spot. Hope he uses his turn signal liberally, with a bumper sticker that says, “I’m Peyton Manning, and I’m coming into your lane whether I see you or not.”

SIDE STORIES: WHY IS IT SUPER BOWL 50 AND NOT SUPER BOWL L?

Because the Roman numeral for 50 is L, and admit it – you thought the mini headline right above this was a typo at first, didn’t you? THAT’S why they changed it. Personally, I say just use numbers from now on. I feel like the only time you see Roman numerals these days is the Super Bowl and someone’s name. Or when Yeezy wants to name his albums something truly pretentious. I’m still waiting for Gold Digger II to drop.

SIDE STORIES: THE GAME IS IN SAN FRANCISCO THIS YEAR!

Except it’s not. It’s in Santa Clara near San Jose, which is almost 50 MILES AWAY from the old Niners Stadium. I’m not hating – I’ve been to Santa Clara and it’s LOVELY – but it ain’t San Fran. No wonder Niners fans are pissed.

SO WHAT ABOUT THE GAME ITSELF?

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, what’s going on with the game itself? Well, I’ve seen the line on the game shift from -5.5 to -6 back and forth, so we’ll go with the -5.5. The O/U on most sites is holding steady at 45 total points.

Here’s the thing – Arizona should have been the best defense Carolina faced…except for Carson Palmer. His turnovers kept the AZ defense on the field WAAY too long (Carolina possessed the ball for 38 min in the NFC ass whipping) and they were plumb tuckered by the end. (BTW, Carson Palmer has always done that, hasn’t he? Some weeks he’s ON, then the next you’re like, “Why are you lofting the ball up there? Bullets aren’t supposed to float, Carson.”)

The Denver defense is even BETTER than AZ, so THIS should be the best defense they face. But that depends on Peyton, doesn’t it? I know Carolina doesn’t have reliable WRs (yeah, Corey Brown had a nice game, but I was shocked to see that there was a prop bet on whether Ted Ginn Jr. would drop one pass. ARE YOU KIDDING? Ted Gin Jr. only has two settings: catch a 85-yard bomb, or drop everything like its hot). But even without decent wideouts, J. Stewart, Greg Olsen, and of course the legs of Cam Newton know how to miiiilllllllllllk drives until the clock is at zero.

So what does Denver have to do? Well, the defense needs to hit Cam as much as possible, of course. Von Miller needs control that edge and D. Ware needs to punch through that middle. But that all depends on the Denver offense balancing the time on the field. Peyton needs to USE that clock, and wear down Carolina. Which is not easy – Carolina’s defense is statistically slightly under Denver’s, but not by much at all.

Luke Kuechly is going to have the short range stuff locked down, so Owen Daniels is not going to be productive. Josh Norman has been reported as being assigned to Demaryius Thomas. So to me, the key matchup for the Broncos is Robert McClain on Emmanuel Sanders. Those 20-25 yard grabs that Sanders can pull off? That will need to be the Broncos bread and butter.

The Panthers SHOULD win since they are slightly better in the run game, better TE, mobile QB, elite defense, and momentum. The Broncos have an analytical mind behind center who will audible out of everything, has a slightly better defense, and better WRs.

SO WHAT’S YOUR PICK, JFG?

I’m just hoping this isn’t a repeat of Denver/Seattle, where I was so so so wrong about how nice weather would mean Peyton could pass freely, and then watched in horror as the first snap of the game went over Manning’s head for a safety. WTF.

I don’t think that’ll happen because, frankly, this Denver team is better than that one. But I can see this game going one of two ways: this will be a defensive battle regardless. It’ll be close, within one score, the entire. Then, in the 4th quarter, the Panthers get a pick-6 and a late TD to blow the spread wide open en route to a 34-14 win, OR in the 4th Quarter, the Broncos D wipes out a last final drive attempt by Cam and the game ends 23-17 Broncos.

The smart money is on Carolina to cover. My personal gut is telling me that Denver can do this. Which, if you’ve been following my postseason betting fails, means that you should definitely bet the Panthers to cover. 

What is YOUR pick, JFG Nation? Let me know in the comments below. Also, I’ll be on Twitter @Junkfoodguy during the whole game, so feel free to shout at me at how wrong I was.

HEY ARE YOU GONNA REVIEW ANYTHING, JERK?

Ok ok, jeez. Today’s junk food: New Mediterranean Style Olive Triscuit!!

New Mediterranean Style Olive Triscuits…I love olives, olive tapenade, and I love Triscuits. This should be a winning combo, right? Triscuits getting fancy – first cranberry and sage, and now this?

New Mediterranean Style Olive Triscuit contains both kalamata olives and olive oil. That’s a good sign.

When I opened up this box of Triscuits and sniffed, I got this really weird sour smell. Which…is that what olive tapenade smells like? Uh….I dunno. I didn’t think so.

I crunched through some of these New Mediterranean Style Olive Triscuits, and I’m torn on these. The texture of the Triscuit is standard. The flavor ENDS well – it has a nice brine-y flavor and is pretty savory. The olive flavor is strong and tangy and acidic and gets those saliva jets firing.

However, it’s how the flavor STARTS that is off-putting. When I first put the cracker into my mouth, I got that weird startled “Uh, are these spoiled?” feeling. I had the same feeling back when I ate the Cranberry & Sage Triscuits – “Weird fruit and herb” is what I think I said back then. Like the first impression I got of the Mango Salsa Wavy Lays – bleh. The weird sour tart that started off this cracker was…not pleasant, I’m gonna be honest.

However, the thing that got me over the weirdness of the Cran Sage Triscuits was eating it with some cheese, so perhaps that jarring first flavor of these would be better if topped with some hummus or feta, like suggested by the box. That’s why I’m torn on these – this is a cracker that, to me, is clearly designed to be eaten topped by something else. By itself, I don’t love it. And I LOVE Olives.

So yeah…if you get these and have them with a topping, I think you’ll be down. But don’t expect amazingness straight of the box, IMO. Sorry, Nabisco 🙁 I’ll pick up some Swiss in a Biskit instead.

PURCHASED AT: Giant Food, Van Ness, DC

COST: $3 on sale

ENJOY THE BIG GAME, JFG NATION! AND TWEET ME!

Thoughts? Please comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. I also have Google+!! Let’s hang out.

Sincerely,

Junk Food Guy