JFG Nation, since we’re going to talk croissants today, I’m wondering: where does croissant rank amongst your breakfast carb/bread options? For purposes of this exercise, I’m not talking about pancakes, waffles, or French toast – I’m mainly talking about bread-y sides that you stick on to your plate at a buffet. Let’s eliminate donuts and muffins too, since they are sweet and I’m thinking savory. Here are my thoughts:
1. Bagel. Ooooh the bagel is the king of breakfast buffet breads. Whenever I get to a hotel buffet and they have that basket of bagels with the guillotine slicer and a toaster? I start fist pumping. I can eat 600-calories rings of dough all day long with butter, cream cheese, piled high with eggs, or lox, or just a big one sausage patty. The bagel never gets soggy. Never falls apart. It supports all, the density of a toasted bagel will be the foundation to any meal I select. Long live the bagel.
2. Biscuit. I mean, except for the fact that I LOVE bagels, biscuits should always be near first place. A buttery biscuit that melts in your mouth is heavenly. Only drawback – the better the biscuit it, the easier it falls apart. While I’ve tried to make a makeshift breakfast sandwich out of a biscuit, it always ended up with me pinching bits of biscuit and egg together with my fingers and shoving that into my mouth. That’s not a really a complaint btw.
3. Roll. Yes I realize there is a huge amount of variance here. It could be a crappy dinner roll or an Asiago cheese mini focaccia. I get it. Still, I see a basket of rolls as a serviceable replacement for a bagel…for the most part I can still toast it and eat it with butter. Plus, I can MacGuyver a sandwich out of it if I’m feeling frisky. Plus, a fresh baked roll, even if a plain hard roll, is still pretty damn good. I’m not turning down piping hot carbs.
4. Croissant. I like, but don’t love, croissants. A fresh flaky buttery croissant with all of its amazing layers can be an incredible experience – and I’m not even talking about the chocolate filled ones. Problems – cold croissants taste like a waxy pile of filo dough. A fresh croissant is a trap – one bite and your shirt is covered with millions of crumb shards. Hard to make a sandwich with a croissant because the structural integrity is delicate. Eating a croissant is like trying to eat an egg shell. They are delicious but not the most convenient. Forget trying to walk and eat one. I might as well just throw half of it on the sidewalk when I buy it.
5. Toast. BOOOORRRING. But whatever – it’s a clean slate and we’ve all had it. I like to try to see how many butter packets a hot piece of toast can absorb. The answer is: not many.
6. English Muffins. I’ll just say – English Muffins are the worst. I’ve eaten thousands of them, and I still don’t like them. Oh, it feels like a poorly baked pizza dough disc and tastes like gauze? Sign me up!
What’re YOUR rankings, JFG Nation? Tell me in the comments below.
Meanwhile, I saw this on Twitter yesterday:
Walmart invents the crotilla, a mashup literally no one asked for https://t.co/IENPSuBBUD
— Eater (@Eater) April 24, 2017
Apparently Walmart released this new item a couple days ago and I didn’t know. The buzz on this:
Walmart is bringing a new food mashup to store shelves nationwide. The Crotilla is a cross between a flour tortilla and a flaky butter croissant. It will be sold in packs of 8 for $3.98 and will be available in 832 stores nationwide. Walmart declared April 25 “Crotilla Day.”
Well, I missed all of that. But then I got home, and there was a box waiting for me on the steps of my house. Inside: A BOX OF CROTILLAS. Walmart, you scare me. Are you in my head? How did you know I wanted to try these?
Today’s review: Walmart Marketside Crotilla!!
Each crotilla is 260 calories, so this isn’t diet food for sure. Still, once I opened the box, distinct croissant aroma permeated my nose.
DO THESE TASTE GOOD? Yes!
WHY OR WHY NOT? The truth is this: these are flat croissants. They are flour tortilla in shape only. The second truth is this: they are sort of genius.
As I stated above, the problem with croissants is structure. Try to slice one in half, and you might as well have crushed it in your bare hands. The flatness of this croissant allows for SO many uses, as suggested in the cards they sent with the crotillas: pizzas. Roll ups. Sandwiches. I CAN DO IT ALL.
But the taste? I tried it both ways suggested – microwaved and baked. Baked is definitely the way to go. The outside gets all crispy and the buttery insides reengage. It doesn’t have the same crispness as a puffy croissant but the flavor is SPOT ON. Buttery. Flaky. Tender. Slight sweetness to the dough. It’s tasty, JFG Nation. This sucker is TASTY.
Now, even when baked, is it still sort of floppy? Yes. But that’s ok because all I want to do is wrap this thing around a hot dog and chomp down. Or a fried fish filet. Or a glob of Nutella.
When heated the layers come apart easily, sort of like an Asian scallion pancake. When I only microwaved it, the crotilla was still good but it felt a little soggy. Baking will deliver the ultimate tenderness desired.
I liked these a lot specifically because it solves so many of my croissant problems. YES I HAVE CROISSANT PROBLEMS. This concept allows me to try a whole bunch of dishes I never would’ve before. Thumbs up for that, Walmart. I dig it.
ANYTHING ELSE I SHOULD KNOW? A box of 8 looks like a gigantic filo dough cake. Someone buy a box and make baklava out of these – I want to see that!
Thanks again for letting me try the Crotilla, Walmart!
PURCHASED AT: Go get yours at Walmart.
WHERE FOUND IN STORE? Bakery section.
COST? $3.98 for 8!
Sincerely,
The JFG
Discuss - 10 Comments
My ranking would have to go: Croissant, biscuit, English muffin, bagel, roll, toast. Of course, you left out two. The first is the crumpet. I think it’s highly under-utilized. I actually only see them at Trader Joes’s. Here is a good review of one: http://www.whatsgoodattraderjoes.com/2015/01/trader-joes-cinnamon-british-style.html
The other item I feel you left out is brioche. I am seeing it pop up more and more all over the place. It’s like a cross between toast and a sweet bread in my opinion. I LOVE a good brioche.
I love Almond crossiants! It need to be filled a lot.
The crotilla would be a great topper for pot pies. I can see it being used instead of pastry
That’s actually a brilliant idea.
I was going to respectfully disagree with you on bagels at #1, but fuck respect. YOU’RE WRONG AND YOUR OPINION IS DUMB AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD.
With very few exceptions, unless I am in New York City at a bagel counter, a bagel will be subpar. It will be tough and dense and without a good crust or crumb. It will have uneven topping distribution and will be flaccid and doughy. It should not be toasted unless it is stale, but if it is stale, it is already shit. Furthermore, if I’m at a hotel buffet, the bagel will suck. Especially if, to cut down on food waste or cost, the bagels are mini. They will be dry, they will be awful, they will BLOW.
If you’re ranking the very best of everything against each other, then yes, an excellent bagel will beat an excellent piece of toast. But a mediocre piece of toast is so much better than a mediocre bagel.
Also, finish your goddamn metaphor right: “Eating a croissant is like trying to eat an egg shell. They are delicious but not the most convenient.” Egg shells are neither delicious nor convenient. WTF?
Your methodology and criteria are vague to the point of meaninglessness: are you eating these baked goods alone? As part of a sandwich (seems like it)? Are you eliminating sweet toppings too, as you did arbitrarily slough off muffins and donuts as being sweet? What game are you playing at, man?
I want to dip these in Thai curry. That is all.
It would depend on a) The topping and b). the type of bread for toast. Any of it is a good vessel for Nutella or PB in my book.
Croissant, crumpet, English muffin, bagel, toast, and roll from best to merely good. Biscuits don’t make the list, because those aren’t a breakfast food around here. Crumpets aren’t either, but my parents like them, so I have them more often than biscuits. Everything tastes better as a sandwich. Everything.
I’m going to go crazy here and rank toast number 1. That is a biased ranking, as I grew up on homemade bread, so toast to me means thick slabs of wonderful magic slathered in butter and homemade jam. Ooooh, I need to start baking for myself.
I find this funny because I typically agree with you on just about everything, but my rankings are pretty much exactly the opposite of yours! Just take the bottom of your list, remove biscuits completely because I hate them, go up, and theres my list! Also I agree with Shorneys that good bagels are too rare to be considered a daily thing. I agree with everything that poster said about bagels! Also more often than not I find croissants to be too greasy. Yes I understand they are supposed to be buttery. I just dont like it.
I don’t think American English Muffins are actually much like English Muffins, based on the description…