I’m old enough to remember when Transformers were actually on TV, as a cartoon that looked like this, NOT a movie that looked like this.  So don’t tell me I “don’t understand how awesome it is” when I tell you I have no interest in seeing the new Transformers movie that is set to come out today.

Here are the things I understand and accept:

1) I know the movie will be bad.  I’m ok with that – all three movies have been big budget films directed by Michael Bay.  I saw Pearl Harbor.  I know what putridness the dialogue will be.

2) I know the movies don’t adhere to show history.  I’m ok with that too – I’m not the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons, loudly criticizing the directors during the movie because Bumblebee is a fifth generation Camaro and not a VW Beetle like in the cartoon.  (Um…yeah.  I swear I know how to throw a spiral.)

3) I know these movies are designed to make money.  Shia LeBouf, Megan Fox, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley-BenJarvus-Green-Ellis – I’m ok with it.  I can deal with stiff acting, overdone emotions, “OPTIMUS!” yelling, and ridiculous body angles.  Like I said, I saw Pearl Harbor.

Why I WILL NOT see Transformers 3 after my review of this tasty snack:

The Money Shot

Blue Diamond has been flavoring almonds for years and years.  I know it all started with an exec somewhere declaring, “People love almonds.  But you know what would make them better? RANCH.  Let’s blast these sumbitches with flavor powder!”

Well, kudos.  And I LOOOOVE salt and vinegar flavored anything.  I rationalize that anything with salt and vinegar can’t be unhealthy because those two ingredients are so natural.  Salt and vinegar potato chips? It’s like I’m eating a salad sprinkled with vinaigrette, am I right?

Roasted for your pleasure

These almonds look delicious as soon as you open the can.  Perfectly burnt brown-red, nary a broken almond in sight.  No one wants to eat a bunch of shitty nut crumbs, with or without the double entendre.

Light Me Up

Same picture, just with flash.  And yes, I realize that I ate almost the entire can of almonds while taking these pictures.

Salt salt everywhere

Because almonds have an inherent oil to them, little addition is needed to make the salt and vinegar granules stick to the nuts.  And if the flavor slides off – it just slides onto another nut!  Perfect design.

Worth one's salt

Salt-Crystal clear

Flavor distribution is, as a result, very successful in this iteration of the flavored almond.  As you eat each nut, it instantly stings your tongue with vinegar and the salt makes your mouth water even more.  The almonds are perfectly crunchy and the salty tang enhances the nutty flavor.  Win win.

Dissecting the nut

An enhanced photo of the almonds shows why eat nut packs such punch.  Each groove of each almond is ENCRUSTED with vinegar and salt granules.  It’s like a smorgasbord of sour vinegary goodness. DEFINITELY would eat again.  You done me right, Blue Diamond.

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Here’s why I will not see Transformers 3:

1) At least TRY for a discernible plot even if the acting and dialogue is bad.  Here’s what Wikipedia says about Transformers 3: “When the war on Cybertron between the Autobots and Decepticons appears lost to the Autobots, their leader, Sentinel Prime, attempts to launch the Ark from their planet, containing technology that could have saved his kind. Attacked by Starscream, it crashes on Earth’s moon in 1961. President John F. Kennedy makes his famous promise to the nation to put a man on the moon. The 1969 NASA moon landing is actually an investigation of the wrecked spacecraft.”

SERIOUSLY!?

2) The visuals are too much.  TOO MUCH. Today’s technology has advanced to a point where we can make the robots look SO real, with SO many moving parts, that there are literally some scenes where it just looks like a bunch of spinning gears on screen.  I can’t tell what’s up, what’s down, who’s good, who’s bad.  WHAT AM I LOOKING AT, MICHAEL BAY? What is this, an MC Escher print?

3) Finally (nerd alert), I will not watch another Transformers movie until the Dinobots are added to the cast.

Follow me @junkfoodguy on Twitter.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy